Thou Shan’t Stay Still!

Below is the original version of Hans Christian Andersen’s story. Don’t get me wrong, I love Disney’s version of this very own story, especially the songs, animation, characters, and so on.

But truth be told that story-wise, the original version is way more heart wrenching, in a beautiful way. The summay is here for those of you who haven’t read it.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

(Hans Christian Andersen, 1911)

The Little Mermaid lives at the sea bottom with her father the Sea King, her grandmother, and her five older sisters, born one year apart. When a mermaid turns 15, she is allowed to swim to the surface to watch the world above, and as the sisters become old enough one of them visits the surface every year. As each of them returns the Little Mermaid listens longingly to their descriptions of the surface and human beings.

When the Little Mermaid turns 15 she ventures to the surface. She sees a ship with a handsome prince, and falls in love with him from a distance. There comes a great storm, and the prince almost drowns, but the Little Mermaid saves him and she delivers him unconscious to the shore near a temple. Here she waits until he is found by a young girl from the temple.

The prince never sees the Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid asks her grandmother whether humans can live forever if they do not drown. She is told that no, humans have an even shorter lifespan than mermaids. Mermaids live for 300 years, but when they die they turn to sea foam and cease to exist. Humans, on the other hand, have a short lifespan on earth, but they have an eternal soul that lives on in heaven even after they die. The Little Mermaid spends her days longing for the prince and for an eternal soul.

At last she goes to the Sea Witch who sells her a potion that gives her legs, in exchange for her tongue; the Little Mermaid has the most intoxicating voice in the world. But drinking the potion will make her feel like a sword is being passed through her, and walking on her feet will feel like walking on knives. And she will only get a soul if the prince loves her and marries her, for then a part of his soul will flow into her. Otherwise, at dawn on the first day after he marries another woman, the Little Mermaid will die broken-hearted and turn to sea foam like other merfolk.

The Little Mermaid drinks the potion and meets the prince, who is attracted to her beauty and grace even though she is mute. Most of all he likes to see her dance and she dances for him even though it feels like dancing on knives.

The prince loves her like one loves a child. The time comes when the king decides that the prince is to marry the neighboring king’s daughter. The prince tells the Little Mermaid that he will not marry the princess because he does not love her. He can only love the young girl who once saved his life, the girl who unfortunately belongs to the temple.

He also tells the Little Mermaid that she is beginning to take the temple girl’s place in his heart. However, it turns out that the princess is the temple girl; she had only been sent to the temple to be educated. The prince loves her and the wedding is announced.

The prince and princess are married and the Little Mermaid’s heart breaks. She thinks of all that she has given up in order to be with the prince and to gain an eternal soul - her beautiful voice, her wonderful home, her loving family, her life - and of all the pain that she has suffered; all without the prince ever having a thought thereof.

She despairs, but before dawn her sisters come to her and give her a knife that the Sea Witch has given them in exchange for their hair. If the Little Mermaid slays the prince with the knife she will become a mermaid again and be able to live out her full life under the sea.

But the Little Mermaid cannot bring herself to kill the sleeping prince lying with his bride and, as dawn breaks, throws herself into the sea. Here her body dissolves into sea foam, but instead of ceasing to exist, she feels the warmth of the sun; she has turned into a spirit, a daughter of the air.

The other daughters of the air tell her that she has become like them because she strove with all her heart to gain an eternal soul. As a mermaid her gaining of a soul was dependent on another: the prince; but as a daughter of the air she will earn her own soul by doing good deeds.

When 300 years have passed she will have earned her soul and will rise into the kingdom of God. This time can be shortened; with each good child she finds she subtracts a year, while she adds a day for each tear she must shed over a wicked child.

(source: www.wikipedia.org)

A. I think it has something to do with how interested you are in other people in general. Many of the truly great movies involve a close look at human life and behavior. To appreciate them, you have to be able to step outside yourself and empathize with someone else. That’s the opposite of instant gratification. Some of your friends may not have reached that level of maturity. Some never will.

There’s gotta be more to life…

Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

Cause the more that I’m…

Tripping out thinking there must be more to life

Well it’s life, but I’m sure…

There’s gotta be more than wanting more.

(Stacie Orrico – There’s Gotta Be More To Life)

There comes the time when someone is given moments to really think about their life. Inside these moments, lie questions about what we have done in our past, what we are doing in the present, and (of course) what will we do in the future. 

I just had mine several months ago. Some things happened and I was led to consider moving out of my comfort zone: find a house to live. Ever since I moved to

Jakarta

almost 4 years ago to start working, I really enjoy living in the center of the city because my best friends live there, even though it’s far away from my office. The effort to reach the office from my place, back and forth, had becoming less and less after I learned that 2 colleagues of mine live nearby. One of them brings a car, which then instantly became my constant free ride to and from the office. Like, almost every day. Lucky me I know.

But then again, they say luck doesn’t last forever. He recently had a baby which made him and his wife decided to buy a house in Cibubur and will start living there in July 2008.

A chance of free motorbike ride from the other colleague might still be open. There were times when I join him instead, like 3-4 times a year.

Or so I thought. Unlucky me, that other friend has no more free ride to offer. He’s been married since last month and now he regularly take his beloved wife to the office every day ever since. Of course he is.

SPLAT!

You know? Like, right there and then, I instantly projected my reflection that stands in front of me and shout: “What now? Look at all around you. Things changed! People move on. Life goes on. MOVE ALREADY!!”

AT that point, I know that I have to change. Yes I thought about stays in the center and buy a car, but then I’ll be even more consumptive and can forget all the opportunity there is to save my income. I can move nearby my office and use the car here and there every other time, but then I realize something: have not I wasted enough on expensive rents? It would be the same thing as it has always been: a consumptive lifestyle with no real thing to be claimed as savings or assets or any real thing.

A car as an asset? The value reduces gradually, everybody knows that. In that perspective, it would be better to buy a second handed car. It will still move me here and there. I don’t even care about image. What about it? If it is somehow to be concerned, having any own car at age 25 is never humiliating, no? I own the car anyway, so I can always sell it anytime I need to.

Then this idea suddenly popped up. Can I challenge myself to have an own house too? Location will most definitely be somewhere far ‘cos that’s where I can afford. But then I’ll have a car to put myself here and there, right? And I’ve always been thinking about someday living in Cibubur. Living alone, any house bigger than my current rented room will do it just enough! I would then have an asset that will hopefully value 2-3 times than present. You know, someday.

Thinking about it, my heart pound so hard and I shiver.

The plan feels right. It kinda scary thinking about me moving faraway from my best friends, but then again, quantity is never the issues right? I’d still love them dearly. And I hope they do too. We can always still meet each other. Never in the same amount of number per month or time length of course, but hopefully it will makes us missing each other even more.

Other than that, my life will also change to the level I might not able to predict, but then again, isn’t that how life supposed to be? The movements, unpredictable events, sweet surprises? I have to dare and challenge myself. Otherwise, I’m kind of scared to find myself one day feeling that I’m never able to have an own house and car and anything ‘real’ on my own.

It has been said by my dad, actually. In fact, it was the topic of our last discussion on that night before he passed away the next morning, last ‘Lebaran’. Quite a big last message, don’t you think?

So I made up my plan. I have been searching for an already built house and any good-enough-to-go used car. Just bought the house last week and now am striving so hard trying to find the car.

No more big budget for entertainment. No more fancy coffee night talks. No more big shopping passion.

From that day when I first move to house, all my income will be concentrated on paying the credit for my house. Correction, my home. And of course, support my family like always. Any left-over will be greatly expected but then when it’s there, I’d know that it is there for nothing but a reason: to be spent A.S.A.P. so that I can have fun with my best friends. Of which I’ve already been missing like crazy by then.

I do kinda scared, but I really believe that it is a good plan. One of those must-have plans in anyone’s life. Imagine: me, myself and I, spending lazy weekend mornings in my own home, gardening, cuddling a puppy, and expecting best friends to come and have a coffee in the afternoon. It might not be Starbucks, but hell, haven’t we all got bored with it already?

No we haven’t. We’ll get one in Citos or PIM maybe after lunch.

Yes, it surely sounds like the best plan. I’m so in.

Been too busy at work and not feeling kinda writy these days, so I hope this bulletin board kinda posting can fill up the my monthly blog posting about March 2008. Here we go.

——————————————————

Party of the month :

:: X2 1st Anniversary. Finally go to the wildly-popular-new-club and got drunk :p C’mon, it’s only my 2nd time getting drunk!

Song of the month :

:: What Love Is ~ Mary J. Blige

Food of the month :

:: Spicy Pizza & wagyu steak at Y&Y Resto, Pacific Place

Ringtones of the month :

:: Cinta Laura & her monstrous becek-ojek thing.

Vacation of the month :

:: Hmm.. Banda Aceh. Kinda. It’s a business trip actually but the food is nice and I got well treated by the colleagues there

Friends of the month :

:: Hmm.. ‘Teh Desy’ dan PDKT-annya?

Moment of the month :

:: When my boss asked me to go to my first overseas business trip & I can’t go becos I don’t have a passport. Never been overseas and I’ve always been wanting that my 1st would be a business trip, yet now when it finally happen, I blew the whole chance off. STUPID! FCUK! I COULDN’T HATE MYSELF MORE!

Shoes of the month :

:: Current office shoes. It’s starting to broke. Everbest s+cks!

Jokes of the Month :

:: There are lots and lots of jokes when the lil’ family gathers.

Best Place of the month :

:: Cibubur

Book of the Month :

:: Perahu Kertas by Dewi Lestari? No, it’s not yet available but it’s just finished and will be out soon. Yay!

News of the Month :

:: SBY admitted that he cried wathing Ayat-ayat Cinta. Dear Mr. President, with all due respect, I don’t think the statement will do any good for ur already not-so-bright image. At least to me. Now, not only that I realized I chose a weepy president, I also learned that he has such a bad taste in movies.

Resto of the Month :

:: BRICK Lounge @ Skydining, Plangi. No doubt!

Picture of the month :

:: Wedding scene of Carrie for Sex and the City movie. Can’t wait!!!!!!

Man of the month :

:: Warren Buffett, the richest person in the world, starting March 08. And he made sure his kids will never be one those Paris-iwannapoisonyou-Hilton kinda rich kids, stating: "I want to give my kids just enough so that they would feel that they could do anything, but not so much that they would feel like doing nothing"

Woman of the month :

:: Mariah Carey, whose newest single is now #1 in US. Her 18th so far, left Elvis with his 17 records and now seriously chasing The Beatles with their 20 records ever hitting #1 spot. She is a living legend.

And baby, I just melt away

Fall like rain

Every time I see your face, I go off..

I just want to break it down

Anytime you come around

Maybe I could melt away in your arms..

You and me in a cloud of reverie

Spin around inside my head unendingly

Thoughts run wild as I sit and rhapsodize

Paint pretty pictures of what I’d do, if you were mine..

(Mariah Carey – Melt Away)

The last trip to Bali leaves me noticing several stuffs.

Such as, I finally can understand those people who said that hotel food is boring and not that good after all, cos I finally feel the same. And that making fake tattoos in Bali is kind of silly, clubbing in such casual atmosphere like Double Six and De Javu club is kinda cool, and (again) that you can really like someone who is in theory is not really the type that you think will make you like them.

Yet I do. There are mixed feelings of warmth, cute tingles, wild imagination, rue-ing distance and time, can’t stop sending sms, miss hearing one’s voice, and all. We (especially me) both know that there are this very thin chance of us reaching other stage than liking each other, but still, you know… when it itches, it itches. We can do nothing but just living the feeling as it is at the present time and control ourselves not wanting too much.

I know that. We both know that, and I think both of us are doing the best we could to deal with this matter. I hope it will lead us to the best.

At the office, I somehow get this feeling (and fact) that my boss don’t want me to move to the other department the way I requested him at the end of last year. Have not found the time to talk this thing through cause we both are very busy doing this Bali project at the end of this month. I’ll talk to him after the project finished, and I hope the outcome would be cool.

Well, I have just officially hit the 2nd year of being single. Now, I’m too single to be true! To me, it has become a lifestyle. Kinda. Ok, I won’t lie by saying I’m completely happy and couldn’t care less about the fact that I’m single. I do want someone there to hold and all along the way, but then again, it’s not really me to decide who and when and where will I finally found my next lover. Is it not? I know there’s someone. In fact, a friend who can read future through palms (haha, I’m that desperate huh? Hmm.. Basically I asked him about what the palm tells about my career, health and family as well, just for the sake of fun.) told me that around June-July this year, I will FINALLY find ‘the-one’. Interesting huh? Can’t wait! Just hope for the best & prepare for the worst. Pfiuh.

I just finished a big project at the end of this month. Such a stressful and demanding event it was. But I’m glad it turned out perfect and everybody’s happy with the result. In the end, there’s this rumors that because of all of the committee’s hard work, we would all get a free iPod as a form of appreciation from our bosses. Cute huh? Now all I have to do is find a friend who wanna buy it from me, and save the money or use it to buy something else. I wonder who and what it would be. And it would not be the only gift we would get, this I know. We have already got a supercool batik from Allure. Never been a fan of batik, but dude how I really like this one. Phone credit support and a committee farewell party will be held, including the usual gift for all of committee member of this annual event. Last year it was a 100ml bottle of Bvlagri Soir, which smell I don’t really like but whatthehell, it doesn’t hurt owning more than one perfume right? This year would be……….. I don’t know yet. Good amount of any vouchers, in that case, would be good enough

Oh, finally the result of the Oscar night is final! It’s somewhat relieving that my choices of winners are mostly the same with the Academy. It means that my taste is acceptable, even though only inside the small scoop of Hollywood mainstream movies. Not that I don’t like them, but I know myself. I don’t think I have enough time to find out about, let alone watch, all movies, right? Especially the small-budget-made-for-the-festivals kinda movies, launched without any publication to general public (read: me) whatsoever. I’ll get to know the movies that can find a way to reach my ears and win my interest to watch them, and we’ll see what happen. I would never in my life, complain about movies like Pan’s Labyrinth, Life is Beautiful and recently, La Vie en Rose. Those are such solid examples which greatness I couldn’t deny.

At the end, I’ve decided to leave the one I really like, because I don’t think I can handle the fact of me wanting someone who is not available and live far enough, so bad. I’m afraid the feeling will grow uncontrollably, and left me being the one who will lose even before the race starts.

So here I am, standing alone, wanting to find someone I can love loves me in return, without any dramas. Just us and the feeling. You know? Of all the people I happened to really like, and even love and at the end wanna have a relationship with, it never really been a case of us two with the feeling, period. There’s always something that’s there and avoid the relationship ever happen, or last long enough for me to be proud of. I called this ‘dramas’ as X-factors. Why God? I’m getting too tired of this. End it soon, I beg of you.

And the worst part is, after the whole stuff with this last person, I found myself in recent days wanting it even more than before.

I don’t like this.

“And the academy goes to….”

I finally managed to drag myself watching as many as movies listed as Oscar contenders this year. Many of them I’ve missed, including even some very important movies (so the critics in www.rottentomatoes.com and www.metacritic.com said) some of them are There Will Be Blood, Away from Her and Eastern Promises. But whattheheck, I’m trying here!

Living in Indonesia where I have no other options than watching new-yet-non-commercial movies in pirated DVD, because of course, most Oscar movies are less sell-able and the studios launched them nearby the Oscar nominee announcement to make sure that the voters vote with clear memory of their supposedly brilliant movies. ZODIAC is one of the victim of this common strategy, such good movie that has no spot inside the charts of winner to best in this year Oscar ceremony.

So now, let’s just get down straight to business. It’s quite simple. I’ll put the winner of my choice in red, movies I have not watched in blue, and after each decision I’ll try to give some explanation about the this and that factors. It is my first list of Oscar winning based on my limited yet beginner point of view. But someone must start something at sometime, right? Well, this is my now.

80th Academy Awards - 2008 Personal Winners:

Performance by an actor in a leading role

George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)

Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)

Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/ Paramount)

Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" (Warner Independent)

Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises" (Focus Features)

I know that Daniel Day-Lewis is the front runner, but I have not watched the movie, and so far I could really drowned myself with sympathy to Sweeney Todd, even though it’s a musical movie, and Johnny mostly expressed his emotion by lyrics, not dialogue. Even I who am not a fan of his got this shivers, I totally recommend all his fans to watch him cut some throats A.S.A.P.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" (Warner Bros.)

Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)

Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson’s War" (Universal)

Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild" (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)

Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)

Come on, this movie centers about this cold cold cold murdered, and I honestly can not understand why he is not been nominated for leading role category. Creating a way bigger chance to win this spot is the reason I can totally get because he is that good in this movie. I will never believe anyone who told me in the face that he did not scare imagining this killer standing in front of him. Seriously, right there and then, I know he’s lying.

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" (Universal)

Julie Christie in "Away from Her" (Lionsgate)

Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse)

Laura Linney in "The Savages" (Fox Searchlight)

Ellen Page in "Juno" (Fox Searchlight)

Ellen Page might be this natural born big actress that can make people care about Juno even more than Juno will want and care, but Marion’s performance is such a criminal. She literally can move mountains and make birds cry with that one of a kind performance. And all the effort of being the young and old Edith Piaf with those perfect make ups? I don’t think Ellen Page tried that hard for Juno. I have to choose Marion.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Cate Blanchett in "I’m Not There" (The Weinstein Company)

Ruby Dee in "American Gangster" (Universal)

Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement" (Focus Features)

Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" (Miramax)

Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)

Ms. Blanchett is one of today female actor I highly respect and gloriously praise. But I can’t move my mind away from Ruby Dee’s performance in American Gangster, especially that specific scene where she asked Denzel to never lie to his mama. The scene that said it all.

Best animated feature film of the year

"Persepolis" (Sony Pictures Classics): Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud

"Ratatouille" (Walt Disney): Brad Bird

"Surf’s Up" (Sony Pictures Releasing): Ash Brannon and Chris Buck

Ah, the movie’s kinda perfect. Don’t like it as much as I like Finding Nemo, but it’d be enough to be the best. I know Persepolis is largely praised, but to me, any animation movies with animated features not as good as even 10% of its competitor are really unworthy of the award.

Achievement in art direction

"American Gangster" (Universal): Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino

"Atonement" (Focus Features): Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer

"The Golden Compass" (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners): Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock

"Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (DreamWorks & Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount): Art Direction: Dante Ferretti;

“There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax): Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

It’s kind of hard to choose between Sweeney and Atonement because they both are that damn good. But I like Sweeney’s artistic style better. You know, it’s dark yet beautiful, and all.

Achievement in cinematography

"The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" (Warner Bros.): Roger Deakins

"Atonement" (Focus Features): Seamus McGarvey

"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn): Janusz Kaminski

"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage): Roger Deakins

"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax): Robert Elswit

Simply because I think Atonement looks too beautiful to say no too.

Achievement in costume design

"Across the Universe" (Sony Pictures Releasing) Albert Wolsky

"Atonement" (Focus Features) Jacqueline Durran

"Elizabeth: The Golden Age" (Universal) Alexandra Byrne

"La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse) Marit Allen

"Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount) Colleen Atwood

Come on, I HAVE to give credit to a movie with such high willing of making an A-grade movie yet failed such as this one. At least for its all delicious costume designing? Some might thoug the way-too-colorful dresses as distracting, but it’s fine by me.

Achievement in directing

"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn), Julian Schnabel

"Juno" (Fox Searchlight), Jason Reitman

"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Tony Gilroy

"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Paul Thomas Anderson

Remember Fargo? Coen Brother have done too many to deserve this award. The Academy should give it to them now, before the case of ‘giving the award to a non-best movie of a great directors some time in the future’ like just happened with Martin Scorsese, happened again.

Achievement in makeup

"La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse) Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald

"Norbit" (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount): Rick Baker and Kazuhiro Tsuji

"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End" (Walt Disney): Ve Neill and Martin Samuel

Edith Piaf is in no way look like Marion Cotillard. The superb make up team has successfully created this sense of ‘not that much different’ and God knows how it helps the female actor gave such an unforgettable performance.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

"Atonement" (Focus Features) Dario Marianelli

"The Kite Runner" (DreamWorks, Sidney Kimmel Entertainment and Participant Productions, Distributed by Paramount Classics): Alberto Iglesias

"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.) James Newton Howard

"Ratatouille" (Walt Disney) Michael Giacchino

"3:10 to Yuma" (Lionsgate) Marco Beltrami

It’s the sound of the type writer tick-tack-ing that gave such a brilliant nuances to this movie that kept our mind never to forget that the whole big mess started from such a foolish mistake that a type writer can give. That’s the kind of achievement I think deserve more recognition than the others.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

"Falling Slowly" from "Once" (Fox Searchlight) Music and Lyric by Glen Hansard and: Marketa Irglova

"Happy Working Song" from "Enchanted" (Walt Disney): Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz

"Raise It Up" from "August Rush" (Warner Bros.): Nominees to be determined

"So Close" from "Enchanted" (Walt Disney): Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz

"That’s How You Know" from "Enchanted" (Walt Disney): Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz

I personally think that at least one song from the beautiful fairy tale should win. I of course, choose the one I remember most.

Best motion picture of the year

"Atonement" (Focus Features) A Working Title Production: Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers

"Juno" (Fox Searchlight) A Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production: Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers

"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.) A Clayton Productions, LLC Production: Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers

"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax & Paramount Vantage) A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production: Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers

"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) A JoAnne Sellar/ Ghoulardi Film Company Production: JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers

To me, best movies of this year are Juno and No Country for Old Men. This is why the idea of Golden Globe separating drama and comedy-musical category became way more acceptable. But if a choice is to be made, I’ll go with No Country. I have to, or else the idea of a mad killer chasing me will haunt me to the rest. Kidding. Ha ha.

Achievement in visual effects

"The Golden Compass" (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners): Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood

"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End" (Walt Disney): John Knoll, Hal Hickel, Charles Gibson and John Frazier

"Transformers" (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro): Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Russell Earl and John Frazier

Hated the way this movie over acted with its super-cool special effects (and poor ending), but somehow the idea of the movie-maker doing that is understandable. Because the special effect is that good.

Adapted screenplay

"Atonement" (Focus Features), Screenplay by Christopher Hampton

"Away from Her" (Lionsgate), Written by Sarah Polley

"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn), Screenplay by Ronald Harwood

"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Written for the screen by Paul Thomas Anderson

Can you make a movie based on a regular action-movie issue and wrapped it in such high style, worth a million praise and is the front runner of Oscar race? Besides the brilliant directing, acting, in no way will that ever work without such a great style of master piece storytelling and dialogue. The pace, timing and scene-by-scene management was gracefully presented and let’s not forget the part where an old storekeeper cluelessly have to choose one side of a coin to survive. Brilliant.

Original screenplay

"Juno" (Fox Searchlight), Written by Diablo Cody

"Lars and the Real Girl" (MGM), Written by Nancy Oliver

"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Written by Tony Gilroy

"Ratatouille" (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Brad Bird; Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird

"The Savages" (Fox Searchlight), Written by Tamara Jenkins

Juno is so fresh, mostly because of the way its great dialogues flawlessly delivered and how an issue that most movies served in a gloomy style was served in such a stylish comedy, YET during and at the end, we still care so much about all the characters involved, even more than those people in other gloomy movies. The great cast, director and Ellen Juno factor is of course big too, but the great script? It is the main core. No doubt.

I love writing. I really do. Especially when I’m in the middle of something emotional.

I’m moody. I really am. Especially when I’m in the middle of something emotional.

You see the problem? I might not be able to always write everything I wanna write, at time when I might need to, about things I consider worth writing about.

What should I do? After some careful considerations, I then imagine a simple way that might end up such misery.

I need deadlines. The power beyond my reach to push me do everything I can to finish stuff. Just like regular work I do at the office. With deadlines, maybe I can finally write my issues regularly.

So what? A weekly journal? Umm, too much. I don’t think I can provide that much time writing diary. Maybe a monthly one to be published at the end of each month whether I’m in the mood for it or not. Or else.

So…… let’s begin with January 2008.

I started the year with some of my closed friends in Aston Rasuna Jakarta. The first idea is to create a moment to drink all 3 bottles of red wine, 1 champagne, 1 ice wine and 1 vodka that I got in 2007 for handling several events at my office. Not bad huh? Each bottle literally cost my company a fortune (nope, I’m not doing any corruption whatsoever. They’re given to me as free gifts or a reward for doing such a cool job in those events. Well of course.) and it will be such a waste not to glug them all down with……….. no other than some of my best friends.

Hmm… Got myself an ANZ platinum card! Yay! The next step will be closing the previous Citibank Gold which I once made so that I can wait inside airport lounge during my business trips. Turned out that the facility ended last year and made me lounge-less during 2007 trips. It sucks. So to me, there’s no reason to keep holding the card. We’re breaking up, Citibank.

Started going back to the gym! And this time it’s for sure! Bought the supplement (rai nutrition: get max) and I can’t wait to get the body I’ve always wanted but always been manage to cancel by keep finding all the excuses I need to turned the effort on and off. Now I’ve been working out for 4 years and look what I got: just a regular medium-built body. I want more. So help me God, shut down all the will inside my mind to stop working out regularly starting this year. Hear my plea.

My mom returned from doing her hajj thing. In that case, my dad too! They can finally finish the last task of all Moslems together in the same time, even though they now are living in 2 different worlds (yes, my dad has passed away last Oct and there’s this believe that someone can actually replace his position in doing all the hajj procedures in the name of my father’s). Debate-able, even within Moslem community, but as long as it can make my mom happier and stronger during her prayer there, I’ll go with it. I also hope my dad now can still feel the warmth of his family in his grave, and whatever world he’s living now. Amen.

I…. just officially asked for rotation in other department in my company. I hope I can move there at least on next July, and that that’d be the right career path to make. Well, of course, another offer of promotion or interesting job offering from other companies can always change the plan, but hey, let’s just living the life now and see what happen, I say.

Well, my last ex contacted me. Told me things I seriously never imagine to ever hear from that person. Totally surprising which caused me felt like I’m loosing position on all the issues for I’ve left them all as a beautiful/bitter experience I’m saving and previously never think of bringing it up again. You know, the kinda ‘live the life and learn your lessons then move on’ principal I believe will make me a better person. It would fly me to the moon (literally) if I hear it during the first months of after-break up moments, but now it’s really just words. No glows, no pains, no expectations, no traumas, at all. Plain as a blank paper. I don’t know what to do, and how to respond except to take it as it is and we’ll see what happen.

Hmm.. What else? Well, one of my best friend got sick. She has this thing inside her body and will soon get an operation to get it out of the system. I hope she’s okay. I believe she’ll be fine. While another one is enjoying his moment with his new lover. Literally, I think they spent all the moments they have together (I assumed just the two of them), and it gives some pictures about some things: I kinda envy them (in a way that they remind of how much I need a lover and relationship of my own), I kinda miss my friend for not spending as much time as we used to (and in time make me realize that maybe this is how he and my other best friends feel back then when I was in my last relationship and can hardly find myself a moment to skip my lover to join them for coffees and all) and it also come as yet another fact that life moves on and the only thing not changing is the changes itself.

Oh, movie awarding season! A bit disappointed about the non-regular Golden Globe ceremony (but I totally understand and support their reasons of deciding so) and can’t wait to see the result of the Oscar show. This year, I will really drag myself on watching all the movies nominated for main categories so that before the award show, I can make my own list of the winners and compare it to the real winners. What the fuck, I’ll watch the pirated dvds with not yet cleared picture and English subtitled. Hey, if I can watch and understand (I think) the non regular English accents in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN without getting 100% sure of what they’re saying the whole time (watched it at my first jIFFest-surprising enough to have them not subtitling those movies), I can always consume other movies with (I think will have) less-weird-English-accent in the conversations. Right?

So, of all, I’m dying to see JUNO, SWEENEY TODD, ATONEMENT, and PERSEPOLIS.

Another trip to Bali. Another exhausting up-til-morning-preparation-meetings and of course, another vacation moments, alone. What? I love being alone and quiet sometimes. And I love Bali, so what’s so weird bout it?

The vacation turned out to be very nice indeed. Experience new ambiences, visit new places, meet new friends, like new someone, and somehow felt that clubbing is not that bad at all. I kinda like ‘dugem’ in Bali, maybe it’s because the much more casual atmosphere fits the cocktails (that has been the main reason I go clubbing) better than Jakarta. I left Bali with huge urge to come back as soon as possible, hopefully next month.

That journey ended my January 2008. See you next month?

Seperti kebanyakan orang Indonesia lainnya, saya terkejut ketika mendengar pemerintah Malaysia meng-klaim beberapa item kebudayaan yang buat sebagian besar (kalau tidak seluruh) orang Indonesia telah mendarah daging dan membulu kulit, sebagai milik mereka.

Lalu banyak soal2 yang muncul di kepala saya, dan mungkin kita. Sejak kapan ya BATIK, ANGKLUNG, REOG bahkan LAGU2 DAERAH kita jadi kebudayaan Malaysia? Irisan konflik urusan klaim-mengklaim kebudayaan sangat mungkin terjadi antara Malaysia dengan kebudayaan Indonesia yang Melayu di Sumatera Utara dan Riau, tapi kalau sampe meluas ke kebudayaan2 Pulau Jawa? Kok bisa? Bagaimana bisa? Gak bisa!

Saya lalu marah kepada kerajaan tetangga itu. Beberapa kali mem-forward email bernada “Ganyang Malaysia” adalah langkah konkrit dan praktis yang telah saya lakukan.

Tapi lama kelamaan, satu hal yang jadi perhatian lebih justru tentang respons pemerintah kita. Mereka tampaknya tidak gelisah, apalagi marah. Ini lebih aneh lagi. Kok bisa? Bagaimana bisa? Gak bisa!

Ya know, saya sempat membayangkan dan mengharapkan kalau menteri kebudayaan atau bahkan presiden kita yang berbadan besar itu akan langsung muncul di TV dan marah sambil nunjuk2 bendera Malaysia. Seru kan? Ya, ala-ala Pak Karno dulu lah saat harga dan identitas diri bangsa kita diusik di depan mata sendiri.

Maka saya akhirnya jadi lebih marah lagi ke pemerintah kita. Gak papa, gue emang pemarah.

Menurut saya, sikap pemerintah salah total. Udah salah ‘kecolongan’ ngebiarin kebudayaan kita dicuri, ya salah juga karena gak marah pas pencurian itu ketauan, salah lagi karena udah kalah ribuan langkah dalam hal konsep marketing pariwisata dan promosi image Negara kita dimata dunia. Serba salah deh pokoknya.

Ganti pemerintahan aja apa ya? Tapi sama siapa? Masa Megawati lagi? Die malah lebih parah. Pokoknya kalo kondisi politik terutama pilihan presiden gak membaik pas Pemilu 2009, gue golput aja deh! Tuh kan curhat lagi, hehe..

Lalu lebih gila lagi, banyak juga rakyat Indonesia, bahkan teman-teman saya sendiri yang gak merasa tersinggung! Dengan santainya mereka bilang:

“Peduli amat, toh orang2 juga udah ga peduli lagi ama budaya sendiri. Ga ngaruh juga, toh kita udah hidup di zaman modern dan canggih dan kebarat-baratan. Emang lo sehari2 masih pake batik dan dengerin lagu daerah? Fuck eastern shit! Ga penting.”

Ya gak gitu juga lah nyet.

Kebudayaan itu sifatnya akertaji. Tidak teraga. Abstrak. Berkaitan sangat erat dengan kreativitas dan proses penciptaan yang pernah terjadi di masa lalu dan dari dulu sampe sekarang dianggap berguna, dan dijadikan kebiasaan.

Ini dia 2 sisi yang orang seringkali salah arti, antara NILAI budaya, dengan APLIKASInya di kehidupan sehari-hari.

Saya sangat percaya kalau yang namanya hasil karya apapun, baik yang judulnya science maupun sosial, pasti punya umur tertentu. Sepeda digantikan mobil, mesin tik diganti computer, pedang diganti senapan, banyak deh. Trus saat sesuatu udah ga feasible lagi dipake sehari-hari, apakah lalu nilainya otomatis jadi hilang?

Secara kuantitas pasti iya, tapi belum tentu secara kualitas. Beberapa justru nilainya bertambah, misalnya karena sehari2 orang jarang make kimono atau batik, tapi kepakenya justru di acara2 spesial kan? Nilainya jadi lebih penting dari kaos yg kita pake sehari2 kan?

Gini deh. Tadinya maksud saya, tulisan ini pengen ngeliat permasalahan ini dari sisi lain. Mungkin sisi kebudayaan itu sendiri. Bagaimana mungkin sih pemerintah, dan lumayan banyak juga rakyat Indonesia bahkan, gak merasa kehilangan kalo kebudayaan kita dipreteli satu2 oleh Negara lain.

Jangan-jangan, kebudayaan kita sebenarnya anti konsep kebudayaan?

Anti dalam artian tidak mendukung, kalau tidak kontra-produktif. Lihat aja bagaimana maraknya industri pembajakan di Negara kita. Semua dibajak, dan semua orang mengamininya. Wajar dong kalo akhirnya nilai apresiasi rakyat kita terhadap kreativitas orang lain sangat minim.

Tidak ada perasaan gak enak saat budget ratusan juta dollar dan pekerjaan tahunannya pekerja seni Hollywood kita beli hanya dengan 6000 rupiah perkeping dvd. Atau puluhan lagu yang sudah ditulis dan direkam oleh penyanyi (yang kita klaim sebagai idola kita) berulang-ulang, cuma kita beli juga dengan harga yang miring.

Kita menolak untuk membayar kerja keras mereka padahal deep down inside, we know that they deserved it. Kita gak peduli, Kita egois. Kita jahat.

Diluar industri pembajakan, kalau kita mau melihat lebih ke belakang, banyak juga kan film-film Indonesia jaman dulu yang juga meniru-niru film luar? Apalagi lagu-lagunya! Jadi instead of ngelihat ini Cuma sebagai fenomena 10 tahun terakhir, saya punya kecendrungan untuk melihat ini sebagai kebudayaan itu sendiri. No wonder, kita tidak menghargai yang namanya kreativitas! Jangankan punya orang-orang luar yang gak kita kenal, karya-karya legendaris nenek moyang kita dicuri aja kita gak marah!

Make no mistake, saya juga dulu begitu. Sampai di titik waktu ketika saya masuk dunia kerja yang kebetulan sering berurusan dengan hal-hal kreatif dan akhirnya tahu bagaimana sakit hatinya kalau kreasi dan kerja keras kita tidak dihargai orang lain.

Selain itu, diskusi dengan seorang teman juga membantu menyadarkan saya dan sekarang membuat saya selalu berusaha nonton film-film yang ingin saya tonton di bioskop dan bukan dvd dan membeli CD original artis-artis yang saya idolakan dan kagumi, instead of download di internet atau beli mp3, dll.

Saya rasa saya sudah berada di jalur yang benar. Tidak mudah menyadarkan orang-orang tentang hal ini memang. Tapi seperti kata Aa Gym: Mulai dengan yang kecil. Mulai dari diri sendiri. Mulai sekarang.

I just couldn’t agree more.

PS. Ngomong2, Aa Gym sekarang kemana ya? Gak pernah kedengaran lagi. Sayang sekali. Bukti lain kalau orang Indonesia (dalam hal ini ibu-ibu) sudah benci sama orang, kreasinya juga jadi tidak dihargai? Bisa jadi.

“ ‘Brondong’ status stops at 25. So before you reached that certain age, in no way will I stop calling you ‘brondong’. Hahahaha!!” ~ a friend.

Dude, I just reached 25 today. Finally, people won’t have any reasons at all to keep calling me that stupid title that I really hate because it somehow reflects the weakness of being a younger person, which is in general perspective, equals an emptier brain, a dependent individual and someone to watch over.

And God knows how hard I’ve worked not to become that. I don’t deserve that nickname cause unlike any other person with the same age as mine; I’ve managed to develop myself beyond my age. One of the advanced human being who happened to have a good start in his run and is still trying to win the race.

I’ve stopped asking money to my parents to pay my college since I was 19 because they both have just retired due to my dad’s health condition and it feels bad to be another problem they have to deal with. I searched for some scholarships and got them and then realized that life is such tough and mean journey if you’re a nobody who have nothing. I have to be somebody.

The reason I’ve busted my ass so hard to finally have my bachelor degree, started working and finally able to support my family, all in my 21s. I was so proud then, but at the same time, I also felt that life is not fair because for me, it’s hard to see friends with the same age, or even older than me, can go out every night to spend their parents’ money here and there, while I’m doing the contrary and what’s worst is those moments when they needed more than I could ever give. That made me feels that I was not being a good enough son to them.

Very contrast, huh? Maybe that’s why I hate Paris Hilton and the typical rich-kids who spent their parents’ fortune to buy everything that can make them smile. You know, the fact that people can really be rich and happy effortlessly.

Now, almost 4 years have passed and boy do I have grown. Yes, grown enough to realize several immature acts I’ve been doing, including that I was just being envy to Paris Hilton and that’s not hot. I wanna be more productive than just another envious character in this book of life.

Now that I believe that age 25 is a milestone, I really hope that life in front of me will still have much stuff to dig in and even battles to fight and win from.

And having an own house in Bandung, so my mother and little brother can live there starting next year will be the first task I cannot wait to solve. Yes, just like what my father challenged me to do in our last talk before he pass-away. I hope it will make him smile.

Because for me, it’s always been an honor to make him smile and I will do anything for this last smile.

P.S. Thanks to Ameth, Brahm, Leo and Oji for the cute surprise last night. God bless y’all!

~ Dewi Lestari ~

——————————————

Dingin bayu tak menjadikanku ragu
Kedamaian tlah lama ada di kalbu
Walau ku melangkah sendiri jiwaku tak sepi
Kudapat apa yang kucari
Dan tak harus kumiliki

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasihku bicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata..
Tanpa satu rahasia lagi

Ketulusan tak pernah berjejak pinta
Janji fana, manis kata dunia, semua akan berlalu
Sepi yang mereka sangka sebuah siksa
Hampa yang mereka duga akhir segala-galanya..

Apa yang kau sebut sejati, jadi milikku kini
Karena apa yang kau cari tak perlu kau miliki

Sekeping damai surga yang hadir di jiwa
Jadi milikku selamanya dengan mencintaimu..

Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kau mengerti arti ketulusan ini

Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kau fahami arti keyakinan ini..

Seindah apa pun huruf terukir, dapatkah ia bermakna apabila tak ada jeda? Dapatkah ia dimengerti jika tak ada spasi?

Bukankah kita baru bisa bergerak jika ada jarak? Dan saling menyayang bila ada ruang? Kasih sayang akan membawa dua orang semakin berdekatan, tapi ia tak ingin mencekik, jadi ulurlah tali itu.

Napas akan melega dengan sepasang paru-paru yang tak dibagi. Darah mengalir deras dengan jantung yang tak dipakai 2 kali. Jiwa tidaklah dibelah, tapi bersua dengan jiwa lain yang searah. Jadi jangan lumpuhkan aku dengan mengatasnamakan kasih sayang.

Mari berkelana dengan rapat tapi tak dibebat. Janganlah saling membendung apabila tak ingin tersandung.

Pegang tanganku, tapi jangan terlalu erat, karena aku ingin seiring dan bukan digiring.

(Dewi Lestari, 1998, my own personal favorite in FILOSOFI KOPI)

Bawa aku pergi ke istanamu..
Tempat dimana nyawamu bertali-tali dengan taman langit dan kolam awan berbusa putih
Tempat bunga-bunga tak lelah memamerkan kelopak harum yang mengundang kagum merpati rindu
Tempat dimana gairahmu membatu dalam dinding tebal berperisai yang melindungi aku dan dunia kita yang satu

Dan kan kuciptakan pelangi tanpa hujan dingin yang saat ini tak kurasa perlu
Karena bara dari dalam dadamu menghanguskan apa-apa yang menghalangi jarak kita
Dan adalah tenangku akan hadirmu yang menetralisir gejala gempa yang seharusnya ada

[Jakarta, 07-09-2005, 10:35 AM]

For the first time, I happened to hear this song like ages ago, when I haven’t even know and understand what love is. Ignored the lyrics, and back then I so like other songs from the same album better mostly because Celine sang them more powerful with more high notes involved. Was so excited maybe because it’s the first time I knew this new singer with a great dive quality, after having been madly in love with Whitney & Mariah.

Then around 2 years ago, I heard one of my best friend sang it inside the karaoke room with full mode of deep interpretation. It’s the first time I realize that this song is very pure and thorough.

I then learned that another good friends of mine who has this great ability to produce magnetic poems that can give you shivers, claimed this song as his ‘best love song ever’.

That drove me reading the lyrics of the song and then got stunned.

Literally.

And it’s only last night when I finally heard the full song being perfectly sang by the very voice of Celine Dion, and the whole musical arrangements by David Foster, it’s shaken me to the core.

Literally.

I promised my self to only post lyrics of songs that I really like and feel connected to in my blog, and by doing this I hope you understand my stand point perfectly.

——————————————–

The Colour of My Love
- D. Foster, A. Ganov -

I’ll paint my mood in shades of blue
Paint my soul to be with you
I’ll sketch your lips in shaded tones
Draw your mouth to my own

I’ll draw your arms around my waist
Then all doubt I shall erase
I’ll paint the rain that softly lands
On your wind blown hair

I’ll trace a hand to wipe your tears
A look to calm your fears
A silhouette of dark and light
While we hold each other oh so tight

I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we’ll never part

That’s the Color of my Love

I’ll paint the truth, show how I feel
Try to make you completely real

I’ll use a brush so light and fine
To draw you close and make you mine

I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we’ll never ever part

That’s the Colour of my Love

I’ll draw the years all passing by
So much to learn, so much to try

And with this ring our lives will start
Swearing that we’ll never part

I offer what you cannot buy
Devoted love until we die…

“Jangan tanyakan apa yang sudah diberikan Negara kepadamu, tapi tanyakan apa yang sudah kamu berikan kepada negaramu!”

-John F. Kennedy-

Kalimat diatas adalah salah satu contoh bentuk doktrinasi yang sudah dengan paksa meminta tempat untuk tertanam diotak saya sejak kecil. Penting, karena mungkin nilai-nilai yang sifatnya HARUS diyakini tanpa perlu ditanya-tanya memang perlu untuk ditanam paksa di otak kita. Aama seperti pemahaman tentang agama dan Tuhan, misalnya, untuk memberikan satu kondisi ‘stabil’ bagi anak2 yang memang butuh pegangan.

Tapi lalu seperti biasa (dan seharusnya), semakin dewasa manusia dituntut untuk terus memaksimalkan potensi yang ada. Termasuk logika, kemampuan analisa, serta keberanian mempertanyakan hal-hal yang bikin gerah.

Sekarang, saya ingin mempertanyakan isu patriotisme terhadap negara saya, Indonesia.

Apakah saya mencintai Indonesia? Tentu saja. Saya lahir dan dibesarkan disini. Darah juga asli tersusun dari unsur-unsur genetik khas orang Indonesia. Tampang khas Sumatera, kulit yang coklat serta tinggi yang seadanya adalah bukti-bukti mumpuni dengan akurasi tinggi. Intinya, dilatar belakang saya sebagai umat manusia, Indonesia tampil sangat dominan karena saya selalu hidup dengan segala kerumitan dan kekacauan khas negara ini, bahkan belum pernah sekalipun menghirup udara di negara lain. Indonesia banget.

Apakah saya bangga menjadi orang Indonesia?

Tentu saja………….TIDAK. Saya tanya balik, apa itu kebanggan? Kenapa harus bangga? Bagaimana seharusnya agar bisa bangga?

Menurut saya, kebanggaan adalah satu perasaan gegap gempita yang hadir setelah kita mencapai satu prestasi baik, apalagi luar biasa. Bangga, karena kita istimewa. Punya nilai lebih. Tidak biasa.

Tentu saja dalam artian positif.

Lalu, ketika jutaan orang tanpa berpikir 2 kali bisa dengan lantangnya membuat pertanyaan mereka bangga menjadi orang Indonesia, saya jadi bingung. Seberapa baik Indonesia dibandingkan negara lain yang ada di dunia? Apa prestasi spesifik negara ini, saat ini, yang memang seharusnya bikin kita bangga?

Berhenti melihat kebelakang. Mohon jangan bawa fakta bahwa dulu Indonesia adalah penting karena menjadi salah satu pendiri Gerakan Non Blok, atau dulu pernah punya Presiden hebat yang berani untuk tidak membebek kepada Amerika.

Jangan juga bercerita panjang lebar tentang fakta bahwa Indonesia adalah negara dnegan keaneka ragaman hayati ke 3 terbesar se-dunia, atau negara yang punya potensi tambang yang luar biasa, berpemandangan indah, dan punya kebudayaan melimpah. Itu bukan prestasi. Itu potensi, yang telah diberikan Tuhan dengan murah hati tapi gagal kita olah maksimal. Membanggakan modal yang ada akan membuat kita tampak sama konyolnya dengan Paris Hilton.

Dan semua orang tahu betapa orang pintar yang tak bisa berbicara akan tampak sama bodohnya dengan orang – orang terbelakang. Justru menjadi sangat disayangkan, karena potensi yang ada lalu menjadi sia – sia.

Masih merasa bangga?

Sebaliknya, justru saya merasa malu. Dengan Tuhan yang sudah memberi, dengan seluruh Bapak bangsa yang sudah memberikan jiwa mereka hanya untuk kita campakkan, dan dengan rakyat – rakyat yang luar biasa miskin dan menderita saat sebenarnya mungkin mereka bisa hidup berada dan bahagia.

Pantaskah kita merasa bangga?

Kemudian satu bingkai fikir baru muncul. Kalau memang mayoritas (kalau tidak semua) rakyat Indonesia merasa bangga, sedangkan saat ini kondisi masih sangat jauh dari harapan, mungkinkah perasaan itu seharusnya ikut bertanggung jawab? Karena buat saya pribadi, perasaan bangga akan sesuatu akan membawa jiwa saya masuk ke satu format ketenangan yang cenderung nyaman.

Saat sebenarnya ada sangat banyak pekerjaan rumah yang harus secepatnya diselesaikan, sedangkan seluruh pekerja hanya tampil seadanya dengan kecepatan tak seberapa dan energi secukupnya, bagaimana mungkin kita bisa? Kita seakan ditidurkan dan dicekoki mimpi indah untuk terus memeluk guling padahal rumah kita sedang kebakaran.

Tepatkah kalau kita merasa bangga?

Akankah kondisi menjadi lebih baik kalau kita masih saja membangga – banggakan sesuatu yang semu? Atau justru kita harus bergegas bangun dan mulai berlari cepat mengejar ketinggalan.

Mengejar saat saat semua mimpi menjadi nyata dan teraga. Saat ketika rasa bangga adalah hadiah utama yang tak ternilai harganya. Manis sempurna yang bulat menjelma.

Gue suka puisi karena di dalamnya tersusun kata - kata dengan komposisi bernilai magis. Dengan pilihan kata dan susunan tertentu, puisi dapat menyampaikan satu cerita/ide dengan singkat, dalam dan gema rasa yang berlipat-lipat dari format esai lainnya.

Tidak semua jenis & pengarang puisi tentunya yang gue suka. Ini masalah selera. Salah satu yang saya sangat suka adalah puisi-puisi karya Pak Sapardi. Ceritanya dia salah satu pujangga besar Indonesia yang untungnya sudah pernah saya temui dan ajak diskusi dalam satu forum di acara Lontar (www.lontar.org) , beberapa bulan lalu.

‘Hujan Bulan Juni’ adalah judul salah satu puisinya yang kemudian diambil jadi judul salah satu buku kumpulan puisinya. Ketika salah seorang sahabat baik saya menghadiahkan buku itu, saya langsung menemukan beberapa potong yang saya sangat suka.

Dengan semangat sama dengan si empunya tulisan, saya ingin membagi materi puisi di bawah ke sebanyak mungkin orang dengan harapan bisa berbagi pengalaman singkat saat ketika puisi bisa ‘membius’ manusia untuk singgah sebentar di satu ruang imaji yang seakan-akan hampa, namun sebenarnya sesak dengan makna yang bisa kita cerna. Kalau kita mau, dan suka tentunya.

Ok, silahkan dicoba

————————–

Hujan turun sepanjang jalan

hujan turun sepanjang jalan

hujan rinai waktu musim berdesik-desik pelan

kembali bernama sunyi

kita pandang: pohon-pohon di luar basah kembali

tak ada yang menolaknya. Kita pun mengerti, tiba-tiba

atas pesan yang rahasia

tatkala angin basah tak ada bermuat debu

tatkala tak ada yang merasa diburu-buru

(1967)

-

Berjalan ke barat waktu pagi hari

Waktu aku berjalan ke barat di waktu pagi matahari mengikutiku di belakang

Aku berjalan mengikuti bayang-bayangku sendiri yang memanjang di depan

Aku dan matahari tidak bertengkar tentang siapa di antara kami yang telah menciptakan bayang-bayang

Aku dan bayang-bayang tidak bertengkar tentang siapa di antara kami yang harus berjalan di depan

(1971)

-

Pada suatu pagi hari

Maka pada suatu pagi hari ia ingin sekali menangis sambil berjalan tunduk sepanjang lorong itu. Ia ingin pagi itu hujan turun rintik-rintik dan lorong sepi agar ia bisa berjalan sendiri saja sambil menangis dan tak ada orang bertanya kenapa

Ia tidak ingin menjerit-jerit berteriak-teriak mengamuk memecahkan cermin membakar tempat tidur. Ia hanya ingin menangis lirih saja sambil berjalan sendiri dalam hujan rintik-rintik di lorong sepi pada suatu pagi

(1973)

-

Tuan

Tuan Tuhan, bukan? Tunggu sebentar,

Saya sedang keluar

(1980)

-

Hujan Bulan Juni

Tak ada yang lebih tabah

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya

Kepada pohon berbunga itu

Tak ada yang lebih bijak

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dihapuskannya jejak-jejak kakinya

Yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

Tak ada yang lebih arif

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan

Diserap akar pohon bunga itu

(1989)

-

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

Dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan

Kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

Dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan

Awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

(1989)

-

Pada suatu hari nanti

Pada suatu hari nanti

Jasadku tak akan ada lagi

Tapi dalam bait-bait sajak ini

Kau takkan kurelakan sendiri

Pada suatu hari nanti

Suaraku tak terdengar lagi

Tapi di antara larik-larik sajak ini

Kau akan tetap kusiasati

Pada suatu hari nanti

Impianku pun tak dikenal lagi

Namun di sela-sela huruf sajak ini

Kau takkan letih-letihnya kucari

(1991)

It’s hard to explain..

Inherently it’s just always been strange

Neither here nor there

Always somewhat out of place everywhere

Ambiguous..

Without the sense of belonging to touch

Somewhere half way

Feeling there’s no one completely the same..

Standing alone

Eager to just believe it’s good enough to be

What you really are

But in your heart

Uncertainty forever lies

You’ll always be somewhere on the outside

Early on you face the realization you don’t have a space

Where you fit in

And recognize you were born to exist

And it’s hard..

Irreversibly

Fall in between

And it’s hard to be understood

As you are..

As you are..

Oh, and God knows that you’re standing all alone

Blind and unguided into the world divided

You’re thrown..

When you’ll never quite the same

Although you try..

Try and try to tell yourself

You really are..

But in your heart

Uncertainty forever lies..

And you’ll always be somewhere on the outside..

You’ll always be somewhere on the outside..

[Mariah Carey ~ Outside]

It’s New Year’s Eve of 2007. I’m sitting alone in my room, thinking about 2006 and try to find anything positive to absorb and let go things I consider unimportant.

2006 is a pause that filled with moments that might not affect my life directly, but effectively give me new things to learn about. It’s the time when you ‘refresh’ your page when the internet connection kind of blocks the web page you clicked to appear perfectly. The time to re-boot and get a new boost to go on to the next chapter of your life.

I get a better boss whose way of thinking clicked better with mine than the previous one. Who has this ‘glass box’ method of de-fragmenting issues over discussions. Clear conceptual approach that I really need to learn now that learned that this ‘black box’ way of thinking I have always been using is not exactly match my work as a ‘corporate slave’. I need to learn to organize perfectly and effectively to reach my goal at the top spot, and that’s what I’m gonna do next year.

I also, learned that no matter how much I’m aware of how powerful love and emotion can take control of oneself, it is still the brain that should make decisions: to surrender or not. Also that love is pure and does not expect anything in return, that true love and honesty still exist in this world and that I should really go easy with this issue.

No more extravagant stress, hopes and desperation on finding the right person to have this fairy-tale obsession. For life is not a fairy tale indeed. You know, live life as the way it is. Be happy. Have fun and don’t be too hard on my self. None like I have a target or something. So what if I’m still single? You know? Like, lose the tension already.

In fact, I’m already made a commitment with my job. It’s my priority right now. I will spend whatever it takes to do my best in my career. I just passed the two years notice in the office. So next year, it’s either get a promotion, or a new job, or a scholarship. Or a bit of combination? Why not? We’ll see.

I somehow also realized that I really need to fix my communication problem. Be nicer and easy going to other people. To reduce the barrier that has automatically been there when I face new people, or community. Not exactly in a way to instantly be accepted, but just to show better respect to others. Not really to open my self so that more people can see my essence so fast, but only to express my will to open up to that possibility. To make sure that I’m not giving some sort of pressure to anybody. Because it’s not nice. And I wanna be a nice person. I do.

Basically, I always consider my self as a learner because I do constantly think, and contemplate and figure out new stuffs in life. And I also have a huge will to always improving. The thing is, I just found out that maybe I haven’t always been working out my best to connect the two intentions. I don’t always really try hard enough to do the CHANGE that I know I need. And that’s really what this blog supposed to be all about. Not to be afraid of changes. To always move on.

There’s been some sort of restrain inside of me. I was still holding back to some issues. To things that maybe not really that much of an important things to confine myself with. And I have to stop that for it will only reduce my pace. It only makes me worry too much.

Hey, I mean, if things happened to be not working out, I can always improve and change and cancel to continue right? Just like the way I learned about several stuffs that I think as less important. To experience it my self. Learning by doing.

Yeah, I’ll do that next year. For example, I almost titled this posting ‘What about The Last What About?’ because I will try not to always use that kind of titling on my posts anymore. I will also start to post my writings in Indonesian. Because I realize that it’s beautiful and can be more expressive than any other language I’m capable of using. Back to basics, as Christina Aguilera put it.

As I sit alone in this airport lounge, after getting my self a cup of coffee and some snacks, I instantly search for something to read. There are several magazines that don’t interest me, and then my eyes bumped into this magazine which content is all about rich people in Indonesia.

The so-called Socialites, and everything they’ve done by being rich, and of course stuffs so expensive for them to purchase.

After I opened up all the pages, I suddenly realize that there are several types of socialites:

1. Those who earned it by themselves because of their tremendous hard work and great achievements in the past and presents.

2. Those who took advantage of it. In a good way. Can be the wives/husbands/children that understand such position can be used in so many positive ways. Or continue the triumph by similar success or even way better ones.

3. Those who took advantage of it in the most hideous way possible. Beings who did nothing to get the diamond, yet dancing in the front row babbling about how beautiful it is.

Now I am trying not to judge those socialites’ need to show-off. It’s an option and preference that everyone has every right to choose. Not preferable, but acceptable in several cases, especially if you earn the whole parade by your own. After the whole mess you’ve been through, being proud of what you’ve accomplished is so human.

But to brag up things that your father/mother/in-laws have attained and walking with more pride than they do, are just annoying. Because by doing that, you prove nothing but the fact that you are nobody without the other person. You have nothing to stand on as an individual in this world. That on your own, you’re useless and negligible.

Just like a mannequin who can wear the most expensive piece of clothes, you don’t really own them. You make others see only of what you put on, not what lies inside you.

And the most irritating thing is that out there, lots of people who work so hard have not yet been able to taste what they should have. That so many hard-working people without any real opportunities will ever be able to taste the sugar you’re wasting. Yet some of you dare to face the camera by saying how hard it is being a stupid socialite that you are, with all the stupid rules you made up for yourselves, just to make it look like essential.

While they’re really not. Trust me. Is it that hard to realize that you’re a fake?

That’s why, by the extreme case of both women are stupid that I don’t like, I prefer Jessica Simpson than Paris Hilton. Or Inul Daratista than Diana Pungky, for that matter.

Because one of them has, at least, done her effort and hard work to get whatever it is she’s now having, while the other doesn’t.

So please, guys, you’re NOT ALL THAT.

Pun intended.

[Emerald Lounge, Soekarno-Hatta, 7 pm-ish]

"Here’s somethin’ I just can’t understand. If a guy has three girls then he’s the man. He can either give her some head and sex her off, but when a girl’s do the same then she’s a whore."

Lil’ Kim in Christina Aguilera’s Can’t Hold Us Down

What?

A male version of Polygamy, known as a practice of having many mates at a same time and condition. Unknowingly stands as the opposite of Polyandry.

Where?

Popular in countries from the 3rd world, those that have a patriarchy set of mind on daily basis of its system. I will specifically point out Indonesia in this writing.

When?

Ever since there’s this ‘immaculate’ trend of seeing men as more important than women. That, in my opinion, came naturally since primitive human beings use their strength and bravery and other masculinity aspect in making decisions. I will, again, specifically point out current condition.

Who?

Men towards women, of course. I will, again, as usual, specifically talk about Moslems who do this thing. Since in a very specific case, clicked with the case of the history of Mohammad (last prophet in Islam) who had many wives (15, as I can recall).

Why?

1. Am I feeling the urgency of writing this down?

 Because many men in Indonesia, who are Moslems, do this thing because of their manhood. And by that means marginalizing women rights to be treated equal. It’s just sick. And irresponsible. And unfair. And horrendous.

2. Is it okay for Mohammad to once did this practice?

a. He did it after his 1st wife, Khadijah, passed away. He married her when he’s 25, and live with her for about 25 years by always been loyal to her. So it’s not the matter of he ever wanted to be or not capable of being unfaithful.

b. In his age of 50-ish, and the urgency of promoting Islam as a new religion, he then use this marriage thing in a ‘holy’ plan to expand his believes to other, in order to save them.

He then, married women way older than him, and some younger ones, MOSTLY because of political backgrounds. Some of them were ex-wives of his commander during wars and daughters/nephews/close relatives of the head of a big tribe that can potentially be his best friends and colleagues in making Islam a bigger religion (which came true since Abu Bakar, Umar and Usman became his successors as leaders of Islam -known as khalifah- after he died).

c. Yes, I do feel that marrying someone because you ‘love’ God better than you ‘love’ the person is making more sense than doing it just to avoid free sex. Maybe that’s what Islam stands for all the way. That living life in the world is nothing compare to living life in heaven one day when you passed your judgment day, as promised.

3. Is it NOT OKAY for some people to do the same these days?

a. Because they don’t do it for bigger purpose in their life, or their wives’, the way Mohammad did. They don’t do it to be a better individual in front of their God.

Instead, without they may not even realize, they made their wives who are willing to do so, take that spot.

b. Most of them are using Mohammad’s track record to make what they’re doing look acceptable. They’re putting on make ups. So much for their manhood, huh?

c. They make this whole shit about the fact that men are made with BIGGER urges to have sex, than women. That anatomically (because men don’t have periods and because men can’t get pregnant - while women can) and men don’t have to directly ‘have’ and raise their children (the way women get pregnant for 9 whole months, and give birth and produce milk, and so on), they can really go out and DO any women they wanna, just as easy as signing a paper and speak ’some’ promise out loud. That men are ‘designed to have more f*ck-partner than women by just one paper away while women are ‘designed’ to only f*ck one guy her whole life. No matter how lousy that person is. Or else of course, she’ll be rot in hell.

-

Look, I’m not saying that those men are not great Moslems. Because if we track the history, maybe in Islam there are no real connections between marrying someone and loving that same person. Maybe in Islam, nothing should stands between you and your God. Which of course, made what those men do today as okay, or at least acceptable. People are free to believe so, and accept it, and live with their life.

But I will be a liar (and by doing that, a sinner) if I agree with it. To me, love and marriage HAVE to be connected. Maybe I have become one of those people who don’t get the whole idea because I was raised reading Alqur’an at the afternoon, and fairy tales in the evening.

And if those people are allowed to believe in polygyny as a best way to live their life, then I also have every right not to agree. Because besides believe in God, I also believe in equal rights between men and women, and fairness, and logical way of thinking (okay, my version of that of course) than stands against every way possible to ever legalize this practice in a modern life.

So there.

Honestly, I had these great thoughts and ideas about moments of joy I would spend my days with at the hometown with my family, when I finally bought the plane tickets, almost 2 months ago.

Take them all around the city, eating every good food in town like pigs, visiting as many shopping malls as we could, and so on.

But dreams don’t always come true. Instead of going out, we have to kinda stay in.

Suddenly, my dad’s friend who borrowed us a car last year had a big trouble in his office hence doesn’t have a car anymore. One of my uncles sold his other car. Another one’s been staying at the car workshops for days. In short, I don’t really get the car I need to do those activities.

We can’t take the bus because my dad’s feet have never been in its best condition after the stroke he got. And taxi ride from our house to the nearest mall would cost me 100 thousand Rp. back and forth. We do live quite far from the center of the city.

But strangely, I didn’t spend as much time feeling sad as I would usually do, because of that.

I realize that, I still have LOTS of things to catch up with my dad, mom and little brother. Right? We haven’t seen each other like a year, for crying out loud. There has to be something interesting around the house for us to talk about, and experience with.

So there I was. Woke up early in the morning to accompany my dad walking and looking for newspaper or magazine to the kiosk in front of our residential gate for almost everyday, help my mom cleaning up the house and cook all menus I have requested her to make during my staying in the house (I don’t really like cooking. But when she put me into this situation to choose between that and washing the clothes, I instantly go for the former option).

Beside those several days that we spent out of the house during the 1st and 2nd days of Lebaran to visit the elder of both (my dad’s and mom’s) family, and moments when my dad asked me to visit the neighborhood to do those ‘silaturrahmi’ (visiting each other’s houses thingy that Moslems in Indonesia do during Lebaran moments) activities, the little family of mine were practically spent our days in the living room, watching TV, eating my mom’s foods, buy any delicious food from restaurant nearby my house, and talk and discuss about… practically everything

And it feels okay. I really enjoy those moments, because then I have been able to transfer several thought I have about all those conservative issues around our family, country, even religion. Not as bluntly as I wrote on my blog, or during my conversations with my best friends though, but it has been effectively send the information I kind of need them to know about me thinking about those stuffs, you know?

I have also been able to discuss about several ideas about life to my little brother who’s still in the 1st grade of junior high school. Because I somehow hoped that it could help him getting older in these crazy & stupid environment we’re living here in this country & society. Especially after I realized that he’s almost as quiet and introvert as I was back then when I was still in his age. I just hope that by doing that, he’d see me as someone he could turn to when things are getting on his way. Even though I don’t live nearby..

I do feel bored sometimes, but I still have other individual activities too. I can still play WINNING ELEVEN in my brother’s PS2, reading the book I bring along, watching movies, browsing the internet, setting up and downloading stuff for my iPod, and of course, finish several writing updates for my blog. Besides of course, heavy sleeps almost every single day! Yippie!

I feel so relaxed. Exactly the output I wished I had during this long vacation.

And suddenly just now, by realizing that tomorrow evening I’m going to leave my family to go back to my daily routine in Jakarta, I just feel sad. I’m going to miss my bro’s hard laughs when we play & pretend to be T-Rex vs. King Kong, my mom’s hugs each time she felt shy after being seduced by me, my dad’s big grin every time he introduced me to his friends. All that jazz.

And how I just understand that all this energy and love I’m fully charged with this whole week by them is one of the things I really need to have before going back to the office and do the best to earn more and more from my career, to support them even better.

To make sure that I’ll always be one of the reason to put a smile on their faces.

God, hear my plea..

Recently, I found my self enjoying quiet weekend in solitary, quite surprisingly.

Usually, I always picture a nice weekend as moments of joy by hanging out with friends, having great laughs, share interesting stories, go to the shopping malls and spending (madly, and stupidly), even went partying (my kinda.. which means by mostly been stood still quietly in the middle of happy crowds) etc. You know, whatever activities there are available in store for guys my age (20 something) to experience and have fun with.

But as I move on with my life and things became regular, which includes a 2 years of living experience in Jakarta, it became clearer to me that I, most probably, don’t really enjoy crowds THAT much. Over and over, I don’t feel very comfortable with a bunch of new group of people. Maybe because for me, it takes a lot of energy for me to be friendly and welcome and warm to those people I found my self being introduced with. It’s a latent condition ever since I was a kid, and I’ve been keep on improving that ‘so called’ people skills, communication skills, and so on.

And I AM NOT BLAMING THOSE NEW PEOPLE. I AM NOT. The problem is entirely on me. Of course, the process would usually just gone easier every time I figured that the new person, or crowd, is interesting to get to know more of. But…………………. I think being friendly to new people is just not my preference.

If I can choose, I would be much more comfortable to be around with people I already knew about, and feel close with. A small group of people that I really care about. After all, that’s a very Scorpio side of me, I think.

But I do understand that I might not be able to get that preference all the time. I mean, when you’re talking about current type of professional life, that attitude won’t take me anywhere. Aight, point taken like completely, and I have been trying my best to be as friendly as I can at work on daily basis.

But isn’t that enough already? As I said before, it’s an effective energy absorbance, besides of course, working my butt off to get things (job descriptions, projects, meetings, events, everything) done at the office. Not to mention my fitness program by working out at the gym recently as often as I could, after work hours, before I go to bed.

It just feels………………. plain exhausting already.

I need to have each weekend to be free from my daily routine, as often as I can. As relaxing, and less demanding as it possibly can. Less drama. Less spotlights.

I would love to still have my best friends around though. Of course! And that includes, still trying to keep up with them hanging out with larger group of new/previous people because it’d be nice to still meet all those nice familiar faces sometimes. Just, maybe not as crowded as it has mostly been recently.

But, I will not push everyone around me to follow the rules I’ve somehow made or whatever. No. I will be the one who deal with the situation.

The one who, maybe, do not always want to join the mass. The one who would, maybe, left earlier when it fells better that way. The one who will not always join the events of big groups all the time.

The one, who would most of the time, be pointed out by the crowd as: somebody outside looking in.

Maybe that’s what I really am, in terms of daily socialization scene with friends. Which I’m like, totally okay with. I just hope that title won’t stick with me when I’m socializing with people from work. Because an ‘outsider’ won’t get to the top level as easier as an ‘insider’ will.

And if by that means like, I have to play my act around the office, I’ll just try to be the best actor I can possibly be. Life’s like a movie, anyway right? When everyone’s playing their own part of the big scenes.

In that case, I guess I’m just playing my act right. I’m just being human.

Nothing is perfect in this world. Until you fall in love with it.

*speechless*

I started open up this new sheet of Microsoft Word page with enormous will to write more, but I just couldn’t.

What’s been mentioned up above, pretty much said them all.

A house is not home..

When there’s no one there to hold you tight and

No one there, you can kiss good night..

[A House is not a Home ~ Dionne Warwick]

How can you define a home? What will you do if you somehow have to live your daily life out of the place you used to always consider as home?

I have always been living out of my home for the last 4 years. It started really empty but I think I’ve managed to deal with that fact. Maybe because I am not that type of a very dependent person who clings to their parents and family to be able to absorb life and all its content. Or maybe, I also may have been living those supposed to be lonely days with many of very closed friends I accidentally met and projected as new family, by choice.

The first 2 years gone by with a dear big brother live right next to me. We rent this sort of twin room and somehow took care of each other (er.. okay, it’s more of that he took care of me most of the time, during those times I got so sick and bad habits of not cleaning my part of the room like, all the time? Damn it he’s such a great brother :)). College time has also brought me to the life path of these great people that I adore, love and claimed to be my best friends. Until of course, I get my bachelor degree and my effort and destiny took me from Bandung to Jakarta.

Whoop dee -God damn- doo! A different city without real closed relatives and best friends.

But guess what?

I made it this far. I somehow, found a new small group of best friends that I used to define as my new family in Jakarta. They made my days brighter, colorful, and God knows how many smiles and laughs and tears they made. They gave me home.

Not an ideal one. And of course, identical to everything in this life but God, not an eternal one.

Something happened and I now am broken home. Kinda.

The condition that somehow made me realize that maybe I should be even more independent than I used to. Translation: to spend more time alone, doing only things I like, and avoid as many dramas as I can with other people. Of course, living in a home is an ideal condition, but we have to prepare for the worst like all the time. Right? Right.

So then I flew back to my first home where my parents live. The home with my real family (by blood, not choice) and right now is actually my 2nd morning with them. We just finished our early breakfast before we hit the last day of Ramadhan fasting. And the only reason I pushed my self to finished this ‘unfinished writing that has been unfinished-able for about two weeks’ is that, I somehow realize that this too, my real family and home and close connection I am having with them, can be over too, one day.

Should I prepare my self for that with the same method I was doing with my best friends? Must I avoid being with the person I really love? Because of what might have happened? In the future when no one can actually see? Isn’t that too much?

I mean, whatever happened to ‘The future is just a fucking concept that people use just to avoid being alive today’ shit I always remember from Six Feet Under. Forget the preparation of losing all in the future. I am losing them now, if I’m using the ‘ijustwannabealone’ thing.

I suddenly remember the basic principle of creating a space: Forms Follow Functions.

Other than whatever form me and the other person are/were collectively together as, the function is still the same. I still love them. Vice versa. So fuck the form. Even if my happily marriage (I supposed) parents got divorced one day (God forbid!), I will still love them as what they really are, and not as somewhat tittles and positions they used to be when they’re facing me.

So, having a home is definitely not a must for me. Family doesn’t always stick together as a unity. I don’t have to train my self to be alone for all of the time. Gee, where have I been? It’s just like the way I don’t always have to be in a relationship with someone I really love, and/or care about.

Shit, gotta go now. My mom just asked me to help her cleaning up the house. Or home?

Well, whatever. Like it matters.

If you live in Jakarta, you will somehow realize that the richest & poorest people in Indonesia live there. There are people who can hardly get something to eat; while at the other side of the city people actually pay MILLIONS (of Rp.) for one set of dinner one just had.

Millions that if we care to translate into simple plates of acceptably descent food, we can either feed 1000 different people, or just one person with a 1000 times (or 500 days, or 1 year 5 months) of eating warranty.

Crazy, but sadly true.

Most of those unfortunates live in the street. Under the bridge, aside of black-watered-stinky-river, tons of garbage or just lying around on the pedestrian each time they feel like sleeping.

Some of them ask money from us to stay alive. If we have money, I think everyone’s agree that we should contribute some of it to help them. Unfortunately, the whole situations became potentially ecstatic to avoid them work harder than beg to value their life. Not to mention all those people who took advantage from their being. Those who ‘organize’ healthy people to pretend to be sick on the street, or give away babies to several women to gain more sympathies, or any other painfully-disastrous things they might one day came up with.

So, rather than solving the problem, the generosities we’re giving has developed it to be even more complex.

The biggest damage is hitting the younger generation. Little kids who beg ever since they can walk. Before they can even talk! And they grow bigger & bigger living that way and lost the awareness that they can really do better than that. And ever since I realized that my money will most probably put those kids away from better living in the future, I have stopped giving them what they (think) they want.

I now give my money only to old and disabled people who can barely walk and make their own living. Those who have the smallest chance to be taken advantage from.

But what about the others? What about the youngsters, kids and ladies who can actually work some place else to get better living and dignity? Despite of all those efforts from the government (if there’s any, of course), can we do something to fix the problem?

I am thinking of supporting other people who also care about this problem, and actually DO & DEDICATED something for it. What came up first is supporting all those LSMs with major concern about poverty. Why don’t we, instead of giving the money directly to the beggars, give cashes to those LSM and let them do their programs at max? Or even expand the concept or develop the organization for taking care of the poor.

With open mind and eyes, soul and all, I do realize that poverty in Indonesia is indeed a very complex issue. But we can at least try to fix them one step at a time, right? And I think I’m doing one just now.

I believe in you and me

I believe that we would be in love eternally

Well as far as I can see You will always be the one for me

Maybe I’m a fool to feel the way I do

But I will play the fool forever

Just to be with you forever

[I Believe in You and Me ~ Whitney Houston]

‘

Is that what this all about, Whitney? That you believe in Bobby Brown so much, it burns your eyes hence lost your ability to see?

Is Whitney the only one? No, she’s not. Make no mistake.

How’s this happening? How can this genuine & exquisite feeling called Love can be so detrimental? Isn’t it Love, for heaven sake, what was being told over and over again to every one of us as the ticket to live happily ever after?

Or Whitney and all the other victims got it all wrong? That what they feel IS NOT LOVE? Is Love only equals to heaven? But how come people always feel pain every once in a while, when they’re loving someone or having a relationship? How can we somehow feel like we’re living hell?

When you love someone, there’s usually this certain amount of fear that you would either lose the person, or that the person doesn’t love you in return or that someday that person’s feeling towards you will suddenly gone.

Hopes. We continuously produce hopes while we’re in love and we don’t usually let anything get in our way. We don’t prepare ourselves if one day we lose it, especially when it feels so good and it seems like nothing can change it. We suddenly, are playing God.

Love is free.

It sets us free and gives us wings to fly.

But we don’t always win it. And nothing’s eternal. Just like us who will someday die, love too. If you can fall IN LOVE, then you can also fall OUT OF LOVE.

So, how can we maintain Love to have a long lifetime period? That’s what a relationship is actually for. The latest scientific research evoked the fact that there are two phases of loving someone. The 1st one is the moment when you fall at the first place. Yes, that burning sensation in your chest. Yes, that overwhelming joy that blasts your head each time you two met. Until you agree to be in a relationship and getting to know each other more, and more, and more.

What’s next? After we ‘own’ our lover, then what? Many people then ended up the relationship in the beginning of the 2nd phase. The phase with no fireworks no more. The phase when the big fire turned into warmth. When we sit together at the terrace, watching the stars and having any kind of conversation. When we memorize everything that we’ve been through and valued the sweet memories. The way we love something and will feel so lost when it’s gone.

Relationship is the way to get the complete form of love. That’s what true love is maybe. We discover it, experience it, share it and take a very good care of it. Before it should end because of things that we can’t control. Death & distance, for example.

But what if it just doesn’t work out? When you know that you’ve done the best you could, then we should let it go. Let it go. Maybe we just don’t belong to each other. We should take a rest, refresh, reboot, and live again.

I think people should really draw a thick line to separate the cause of loving someone, and having a relationship with that person.

To love may not be our choice to make. At least at the point of making a sober decision, for that feeling lies way too deep and complex for only brain to control. No one knows the reason behind such feeling. It’s maybe even there based on our genetic specification, other than what had happened during each person’s childhood (ya know, Freud theory and all). But to be or not to be in a relationship is an option. A decision for us to make.

The ultimate difference between love and other things we might also be hanging on to in our lives (such as jobs, religions, hobbies, etc) is that to there are 2 different parties that should form a great team to really make it works. They should have the same feeling & hopes towards each other. Two pilots in one plane.

It’s not only up to us to set the destination, and how we reach it. It takes two. And we somehow are being so dependent to another. So when it didn’t work, all the blaming will suddenly took over the spotlight.

So, I do believe that love is all about joy & heaven. It is the human, who turns the energy into something negative, even hell. I also believe that a relationship can help love, or somewhat kill it.

When a relationship is over, should the love also go away?

Not necessarily.

That’s why I agree with the terms of unconditional love. Because when you love someone, you just do. You don’t really need the reply to survive. You don’t have to ‘own’ that person.

`

So, if Whitney loves Bobby so much, it doesn’t mean that she should stay in the crazy relationship. She shouldn’t have believed in something that’s unbelievable in so many ways. She can get out of the hell, by choice, and win herself as a priority in her own life. Still loving the monster? It doesn’t matter. But don’t live and keep on feeding the monster!

Just like the way a special person once told me: Time will heal, and faith will do the rest.

"You can’t find a player like Ronaldo in anywhere in the world. He is so sensational that he knows when to shoot or pass. He can also drop back 50 yards, win the ball and go off on runs taking on whole defenses on his own but he is intelligent enough to work with others too." (Sir Bobby Robson)

`

Now, when I talk about Ronaldo, I am not talking about the Brazilian defender in World Cup ’94 that pushed Ronaldo to once use the shirt named ‘Ronaldinho’ back then. Nor am I talking about the magical Ronaldinho which has obviously been taken Ronaldo’s spot as the biggest Brazilian star nowadays. And I, most definitely, not talking about the so-called Christiano Ronaldo of Portugal & Manchester United, who still has this stupid raging hormones of a teenager.

Dear all, I am talking about Luiz Ronaldo Nazario Da Lima. Yeah, the greatest Ronaldo of all.

Okay, let the history do the talking.

`

1994 ~ 1998 : Hot summer (Play: 165 / Goals: 160)

Born in September 22nd, 1976 – Ronaldo was only 17 years old when Carlos Alberto Parreira listed him on the World Cup champion squad back then. Didn’t play a minute to try to stole the attention from all football soccer fans of that world cup party, but he broke the ice a year later by becoming Top Scorer in 3 consecutive years in 2 different league (Holland & Spanish League).

And when we talk about his goals, it means that we’re talking only about ‘amazing’ goals that can hardly be done by other players. He scored several unbelievable goals by dribbling the ball from the back/middle of the field, passed several players with his indefinable dribbling skills, and hit the score board with borderline accuracy of shots on goals. Then he became the youngest player ever to win FIFA Best soccer player of the year 1996 at the age of 20! Yeah, the same age that most players will only be considered ‘The next big star’, R9 proved that he’s already the big star.

Not enough though, for he did it two times in a row! Again he won the same award in ’97, the same year he moved to Inter Milan by breaking the world record as the most expensive player.

And how football was so identical with Ronaldo back then!

Everybody screams his name, to ever reach my ears and boosted my interest in football, the sport I have once considered stupid for the lack of importance that 22 adult people actually running around the field for hours, trying to chase and kick a single ball.

And it is that single ball that he scored a goal once in a very narrow space that filled with his opponents whom he passed beautifully with an extraordinary dribbling skill, which he moved with by maximum speed before being easily placed inside the near post. A masterpiece goal by a phenomenon, indeed!

`

1998 ~ 2002 : Rainy days (Play: 65 / Goals: 50)

From hero to zero. Yeah, entering the tournament with enormous hopes & demands on his back as the world’s best player, Ronaldo came back with a big disappointment of being a loser. People hated him for having played such a lousy game in the most important moment in his career, the World Cup Final of ’98 when Brazil lost to France. A 21 years old with so much achievements in his very young ages is exactly the one who being hated & mocked at, boos to, and threatened by all Brazilian fans.

Someone should take a side to defend him. I did, and proud of it.

The journey after ’98 World Cup nightmare was like a roller coaster. He continuously suffered countless injuries on his knees, and then got better, start playing well before other injuries killed the hopes, over and over again.

He did once though; perform a promising ‘comeback’ by winning ’99 Copa America with ‘oh-so-good’ duet with Rivaldo. But then the injuries took over the joy, and filled the history with painful scratch over his fantastic talent.

During the dark 3 years of bitter time (1999 – 2004), a glimpse of hope actually re-appeared in a form of several good performance from him, having helped Inter to almost win the 2001-02 season of Serie A – Italy, before the lame club finally lost the title in the final game, beaten 3-1 by Lazio.

He cried. A scene on TV that truthfully, did not gave me the confidence that I need to support Brazil winning its 5th World Cup title in 2002 World Cup in Asia.

`

2002 ~ 2006 : Moody Clouds (Play: 181 / Goals: 114)

Boo Hoo! Guess what? Brazil won! Ronaldo was the Top Scorer, Man of The Match in the Final Game, The Best Player of the Tournament, and FIFA Best Player in 2002. Another record to be the first player to ever win the FIFA award 3 times! (Before he shared the same spot with Zinedine Zidane, his fellow Martian who won his thord in 2003)

And I would never forget the night I watched Brazil beat Germany, with Ronaldo scored both of the winning goals. After all those years of desperation by keep on waiting, praying & hoping, the moment is so genuinely ecstatic!

He then moved to Real Madrid and won his 1st League competition title. One thing that’s been quite annoying for me is that, after the unexpected come back of 2002, Ronaldo did not move anywhere forward. We did not see his dribbling skill anymore, less speed & bigger body even though the goal scoring instinct & vision towards a game still stays inside.

Many people assuming that maybe it’s because he’s afraid to ever get serious injuries like he had when he always move with the ball sticking to his feet back in the glory days. Make sense for me, for he might not want to gamble his future as a football player in a medical operation desk, ever again.

But then as time goes by, something doesn’t felt right about the situation. He’s become another player to whom I, and maybe most of his fans, could not recognize anymore. He’s not the same Ronaldo that we used to praised and respected as. The same confusion that I think has became the main reason during his poor performance in recent moments, including the big failure of Brazil in 2006 World Cup Final.

Come to this condition of life, I can sadly say that (despite of his success in becoming the top scorer of all time in World Cup events) Ronaldo is going down. For he no longer has the passion in the game.

At this point, I actually pray for him to wake up and smell the ball! He should realize that now when he’s almost 30, the only way he can keep on moving forward is by being the old Ronaldo. Because even if he (God forbid) get another fatal injuries, he has nothing to complain about! He’s a legend already, no matter what. It’d definitely be better than keep on playing with that lame spirit and coward acts of diving that he somehow learned from that stupid Fillipo Inzaghi!

It’s just that, the thing I learned about Ronaldo is that, the biggest enemy he can ever meet lies within him.

So please, O Phenomenon, make a real come back already! Because you have nothing to loose but a chance to show the world how destructive and impossibly-make-sense, a Ronaldo can be.

And how sweet it’d be to leave a mark in the history of football to ever join the crowd with grace and leave it with proud, if you ever must.

`

Honors and awards

With Cruzeiro :

Brazilian Cup (1993), Super Copa Top scorer (1994), Mineiro Championship Top scorer (1994), Mineiro Championship (1994).

With PSV Eindhoven :

Dutch Championship Top Scorer (1995), Dutch Cup Top scorer (1996), Dutch Cup (1996). With Barcelona : Spanish Super Cup (1996), FIFA Player of the Year (1996), Spanish League Top scorer (1997), UEFA Cup Winner’s Cup (1997), Latin American Player of the Year in Spanish League (1997), European Player of the Year (1997).

With Inter Milan :

FIFA Player of the Year (1997), UEFA Cup (1998), European Player of the Year (1998), European Forward of the Year (1998), Italian League Player of the Year (1998), Italian League Foreign Player of the Year (1998), UEFA Cup (1998).

With Brazil :

Conmebol U-17 Championship (1991), South American Championship U-19 (1993), FIFA World Cup (1994), UMBRO Cup (1995), Runner-up with Brazil in the Copa America (1995), Bronze medalist with Brazil at the Olympic Tournament (1996), Copa America (1997), FIFA/Confederation’s Cup (1997), FIFA World Cup Golden Ball (1998), World Cup France (1998), Best Striker & footballer of World Cup France (1998), Copa America (1999), Champion of Intercontinental Cup (2002), Best European Footballer (2002), Word Cup 2002 (2002), Best Striker & footballer of World Cup 2002 (2002), FIFA World Cup Golden Ball (2002).

I somehow thought that I have every right to sometimes be a negative person that I am. Until this story that has just turned that opinion upside down.

~

I have a friend from college who is about to get married after having a 4 years of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship thingy. She’s a nice lady. He’s a nice man. And as far as we (her (best) friends) concern, they also deserve a nice wedding ceremony.

Suddenly, 2 months ago, her mother sick. A very serious one. A breast cancer.

The doctors said to them that an operation should be executed immediately, or else it’d be fatal for the poor mother. And it cost quite so much, alas pushed them to revise the previous wedding ceremony plan to become a small party inside a church. No fancy dinner in a fancy hotel no more.

To have that poor couple standing in such rain, we (her friends) initiated to help them making the ceremony to be as nice as it can possibly be. Some of my best friends lend both of their hands as the event organizer who collects the funds, plans, designs, beverages, etc. The stage is set and we’re so ready to go, until one night we all heard of the most unpleasant surprise available.

She had entered an Intensive Care Unit.

She eventually has been so exhausted and stressed out about the whole mother health thingy, wedding plan & eventually, her deadlines in the office. Having heard that news, I got shivered and eventually crossed my finger and hoped God that she will going to be okay.

After the 3rd day, her boyfriend told us that she’s sober now. I asked my best friends to come visit her with these crazy scenes of what I’d possibly see in the visitor’s waiting room running inside my head.

That her fiancée will show with a cloudy eyes and gloomy face. That all her family will look so devastated. Not to mention her mom who herself, has just been recovered from a deadly sickness. And that the wedding could possibly be delayed. I mean, I could see my self in their position and imagine myself who’d be so cynical and full of hatred and disappointment about life.

And then the boyfriend showed & welcomed us with a warm smile. Not a strong smile, for I can still see the fragile core somewhere inside. But he then told us that the wedding would still be on. That nothing can stop the holy plan. That they don’t need anything else but themselves and God, to still carry on and enter one of the important chapters of one’s life.

And the moment I am starting to get stunned with that extended faith, there came her dad entering the room with a very warm aura. He smiled, thanked us gently for being there, and one by one asking our name & little things that he might think would be important to help him getting to know us better.

It’s like after those storms striking his family, he doesn’t even think of it as a burden. He accepts everything and let the bad things go. He chose to see life in a positive way. He refuses to be negative. And he’s still survives.

He then tell us the story of how he met & fell in love with his wife who is now getting better & better, and how much he loves his only daughter who’s still lying inside the ICU, and how happy the family is in expecting the wedding ceremony one week ahead from that time, and how lucky the boyfriend is to have a future father in law as handsome, and cool and fabulous like him.

He closed the conversation with this statement:

“You are all still so young and have borderless bright future ahead of you. Do your best and never give up, for everything in life is beautiful. You just have to find the best angle to realize them all. :)”

A statement that has instantly made me feel ashame of my choice to be so negative most of the time.

Now that 2006 has just run half way, and that I made my self a ‘to do list’ for this year (a.k.a. resolution what-so-ever) I feel the need to evaluate them. Ya know, as an effort to keep my self being aware of where I was, am and will be in near future.

1. Better amount of savings and investment. (Brighter future, amen!)

Darn it, it didn’t work! The saving’s pathetic and not exists anywhere near a loop of future prosperity. I realized it around the 4th month of this year during general cleaning of my room when I found that I have LOTS of Dept. Store/Boutique shopping bags! Now I’m giving my best to save the money more than I spend it. Well, despite of any fixed-spends that I have urges to keep on making, of course.

2. Better work achievements. (More money!! :))

Large number of work load has become a blessing in disguise. I finished the crazy number of works and get the benefit from overtime payment. But then again, I also got a very intimate relationship with my credit card hence made me keep answering those unnecessary shopping calls. This must stop!

3. Better human being (towards friends, best friends, family, and lover : maybe)

Let me say, I was trying so hard being a better lover by not being a better friend.

Somewhere in the beginning of the year, I have actually ‘left’ my best friends for someone I loved has asked me to. As tough as the decision has been for me to make, this certain image of having bliss by spending times with a lover I finally get was just too ecstatic.

It was a mistake. Big mistake.

I now realized that, at the end of the day, my best friends are the un-separate-able part of me. Leave them again, I shall not. God forbid.

4. Better appearance (I have to start wearing braces & go to the gym regularly (again) this year)

Done!

By the way, wearing braces is not that much of a pain for me. Ya know, it’s more like a less comfortable feeling that doesn’t really hurt. Though I hate the fact that I have to make sure my teeth are clean each time I finished eating foods but hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, aight? Ergo, I’ll just have to wait for 2 years ahead to check out the result.

As of ‘back to the gym’ topic, it feels nice to finally find the ‘right gym’ for me. I mean, I never really like crowds, and I really don’t think bugging my self with having to think about my appearance every time I go to that so-called gym inside a mall, is necessary.

All I need was a gym who open until late at night everyday, a less-crowded space, good equipments, nice ambiance, reasonable price, and (if possible) near by my place. And then *poof* it’s been there all along. Like, where have I been?

5. Live happier (giving doctrine to my brain that BEING SINGLE IS NOT THAT BAD! I have my inner circle after all)

Hmm.. I’m still single. A status that most probably will still be stamped on my forehead for quite some time now, to be honest. Long story.

Anyway, am I happy? Yeah, of course! Being single is not that bad indeed! I won’t say that it’s ideal, but it’s okay. Especially now that I just learnt an important lesson about love and such feelings:

"When it’s there, it’s there. When it’s not, just don’t bother."

6. Start trying to get an overseas scholarship.

I’ll pass this one. The fact that I’m having a new and supposedly better boss to boost my career even more make the idea of shutting this goal for temporary seems like a better option. I will vigorously work my ass off, and God knows where I would go from there.

I also have not yet taken any formal TOEFL test yet. By that means, I have to seriously improve my English to show up with an at least 600 score. I hope I can do that to save a must-have scholarship next year.

There, I think I’m making an improvement here. See you again at the end of 2006! If God let us, of course. *crossing fingers*

As I go home last night after meeting best friends from college time @ -you know where- Plaza Senayan, I found my self sitting alone inside the cab and vividly projecting what we have just discussed about career, boss, opportunities, and all that stuff.

Suddenly, as I open the old chapter of old best friends back in the days, I remember this poetry that I instantly remembered, once I read and liked it. Here’s how it goes:

How can you go very far, if you don’t know who you are?

How can you do what you ought, if you don’t know what you’ve got?

And if you don’t know what to do, off all the things infront of you,

Then what you’ll have when you’re through is just a mess without a clue..

Of all the best that can come true, if you know what, and which, and who.

And instantly, right there and then, a cool breeze softly touched my heart with a very strong message.

It’s for me to vehemently continue what I am doing right now and become better, and better, and better………… and better.

The truth is out there!

(X-Files)

One thing very annoying about God and top 4 biggest religion nowadays (on historical order: Jewish, Catholic, Christian, and Moslem) is that: It’s a somewhat mythology of the ultimate creator of the universe. A history without real evidence to hold on.

I don’t know if the evidence was there when it’s all ever started way back then, since all those religions are actually being connected with a datum: Same timeline, but different script and cast.

Separated from Hindu or Buddha, all the above options share a same concept of singular God who actually talked to several chosen people, to share the talking to everyone and believes in each of them SO BAD, death of mankind can become such an easy sacrifice of each successful story.

In the easiest way, I think the biggest question of all people related to those beliefs is: Which history is true? Which one is not?

And I can guarantee you, everyone inside each religion will SHOUT, hitting the highest note they can possibly reach that it’s their religion which right, while others don’t.

Now, since we are talking about history without real evidence, in my opinion, no real answer is available in store. Why? Because there are soooooooooooo many human interventions in each of that long timelines & complicated scripts of holy moments. Nobody knows the truth. And it’s so obvious to detect the availability of ‘human logic’ in several supposed-to-be-God’s policy in those religions. For me at least.

Because each confirmation by religion A is like an antidote for religion B and so on. When it’s all about faith, nothing else matters! It can be the faith that has been persistently entered our head since we’re kids. Or the faith that we got from a great book when our head is open for anything. Or maybe from any specific spiritual experience.

So people switch their religion now and then. Some do it with a strong new believes, some doesn’t. And it’s clear to see that the movement possibility for each people is quite as big. Ergo, clear it is to mention that every religious points of each of it are indeed, acceptable to mind, heart, and maybe some other more physical cause of movements. It’d all depends on each people & maybe their condition by the time they make the important decision.

There’s a possibility for each religion to be the right one.

There’s also, a possibility that none of them is right.

And…..a possibility that none of them is even considered as important to God.

That God is SO BEYOND WISE to ever see IT’s creation see IT back in this pale structure of belief and poor rate of imagination.

I am now going for the last option. That’s where my faith lies.

So help me God.

Rain on me…

Lord, won’t you take this pain from me..

[Ashanti – Rain on Me]

So I like it now when I am standing or take a walk in the rain, instead of run from it. Weird, I know.

It’s kind of a sin for me to do that when I was a kid because my mother somehow believes that by doing that, I can easily get sick. The importance of my awareness to the myth was like so big; she has once punished me for ignoring the prohibited activity. And that was an unforgettable ugly moment which I believe has pushed to drop the case of liking the rain ever since. And put in this little box in the corner of my mind, for that matter.

Before one day, the day put me in this situation when I have no other choice but to walk under the heavy rain, and face all the water that washed over me. At first, I somehow get scared about my health & how wet I’m gonna be while I finally hit my place. But then suddenly, the little box opened and brings back all those joyful memory of enjoying the ‘big shower of the earth’.

It suddenly felt like… the second that miraculous raindrops hit my forehead, I was being freed from all the pain and anger I was feeling that moment. When they touched my hair, I get the feeling that everything’s gonna be okay. That I’m not alone in this place, take a good care of my self.

That I am joining the big symphony of universe..

That the sky love me that much to share its gift to strengthen me..

That the ray of light from the sun blended into millions of bright crystal and actually be my aura..

That the land helped, by sucking away my grieves and negativity..

That every single drops then created a shield to protect me from harm..

It’s one of those moments when I really feel that nature is a great beautiful symphony.

It’s one of those moments, when I feel that God exist and is looking at me from up above with big smile on IT’s face.

It’s the moment I would most definitely long to experience again in near future.

On one random night, I somehow bumped into this program on local TV that showed a little girl wearing this ‘thick’ wardrobe that covers all of her little everything. You know, Moslem attire thingy for ladies (supposed to be, not for little girls). After some introduction about her self as one of a little preacher in this preaching competition and about the hot topic that she’d be babbling about, a weird thing happened.

The cute girl suddenly doesn’t look cute anymore, once she hit this specific topic about non-Moslem people. She suddenly became mad, with glorious rage and emotion oozes from her face talking about how wrong those people are, and how it’d be better for them to ‘wake up’ and follow everything Islam teach as a religion, or else all of them will get burn and become nasty ashes God forbid to even come near the beautiful garden of Eden.

And I feel pity for her.

What did she know about the truth, anyway? I mean, I can still ask an adult-preacher the same question and laugh at the answer someway, for no one knows the truth. And okay, I can still accept this culture of one ‘bigger’ person (a.k.a preachers) who lead a crowd to God because he/she THINKS he/she knew about his/her God better than others have/are/ will ever be.

But she’s like, 5 years old! The baby girl supposed to live in this giant pink couch and big teddy bears hugging her, with innocent songs fill up her days of being fun. Instead, her parents somehow find this GREAT IDEA of blasting that cute brain with hate, anger, and great awareness that God can really torture people.

Can you imagine the paradigm that has already been inside her head to set up minor assumption each time she meets up with people with different religions for years to come?

Should we develop any kind of believe by trying so hard to prove that the other is unbelievably insane? Should we push our beloved to eat a fish by telling that meats & sausages & chicken are poisonous hence become deadly? It’s not like we’re the chef! Fuck, all of us are only eaters & who can only try to learn about the ingredients & how to cook them.

But come to think of it, maybe it is an impossible thing to hope.

As human brain is such a great database to capture whatever persist to enter (so Freud said), the most effective way to conduct a large number of future crowd of each religion is by giving away doctrines and other dogmatic food. With the ultimate weapon of promising heaven & hell as contrast to be chosen, everyone will strive their best to save their ass in the future life.

Live without doctrines. Can we? Of course! Will we? Ain’t no way..

Poor human.

“Even though I try I can’t let go

Something in your eyes captured my soul

And every night I see you in my dreams

You’re all I know, I can’t let go..”

[Mariah Carey – Can’t Let Go]

I once heard a story of one very smart person who almost killed herself because of being heart broken. It’s like, no matter how often your brain usually took control of your life, it can easily has no capabilities to handle what your heart wants. Espouse countless love stories that have led us to “Love is blind” as a solid conclusion.

I now can understand why. It is that painful to build a dream with hopes by giving everything you can and it could possibly need with someone that you trust would do the same, and then it failed. Not just an ordinary failure, but a much more complicated one because it associated with other person. The decision is not only yours to make. It’s like riding a car with two drivers at a same time. Thou shalt know who is driving and navigating at what time and place to reach the finish line. Hopefully as the number one. You can blame others and have them blaming you instead, and so on, and soon.

As painful as that thing has been, I wonder will it ever make me wanna kill my self? Is that the ultimate pain there would ever be in my life? Is there not any other more necessary scar to make enormous damage in a way to help me keep improving my self?

I hope that is not.

I think that is not.

With that thought hanging over my head, one night inside a bus, I saw this beautiful girl with her little brother wipe up their moist noses using their grubby clothes and sing with sleepy eyes & exhausted voice, hoping to get whatever amount of money they could get from the bus passengers. And then I suddenly think about their parents. About other grown ups that lives in the street. About what kind of adults those kids would possibly be in the future. About what kind of love they would feel toward someone. And what kind of love they had already felt for that matter.

Love is love, right? The beautiful heaven it can cause would be pretty much the same to whoever felt it. So would the hell. And these people still alive! Are they not? They survived, because they have other more important things to deal besides throw away their tears because of love regrets and what so ever.

That fact slapped me good. What the hell is this I’m going through? Comparing to their pain? Please.. It’s like……………. nothing. Nothing! I have other more important things to take care of. Things that can promise me better future and those people who have been giving me their unconditional love all the way. What is the importance of giving my time and full attention to someone who doesn’t even love me in return? As in the same level I would give. As in the right example of proofs I should have got.

My eyes even got opened wider when another problem stroke my family. A problem I have decided from way back then to share to no one but my self as an adult. Not even to my closest friends. But I once actually think to maybe share it to my true lover one day. You know, for the sake of finally be able to share the burden to the one who you care most and share the same magic in return. To have someone who’s there through all the tears as well as all the laughs. Even just to give you a smile when you need it the most.

Someone I always dreamt of but never had.

Yes, a concept I might have to forget soon because right now it even looks more and more vague and illusive than it has ever been.

True, that maybe I must let go all this unnecessary pain that still hangs in my heart and concentrated on more real and important issues. Such as the issue of global warming, third world poverty, narrow religion minded in Indonesia, and of course, the most anticipated World Cup 2006.

The sooner, the better.

Bravo Selecao!

“ Here I am once again

I’m torn into pieces

Can’t deny it, can’t pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up deep inside

But you won’t get to see the tears I cried

Behind these hazel eyes..”

[Kelly Clarkson – Behind These Hazel Eyes]

Can anyone really define how joyful it is to find love, and how painful it is to let it go? We can try to sniff it by understanding unlimited number of great books, movies, songs, stories, and so on, but trust me: No matter how much theories could ever came close to reality, it’ll never give you enough clues to prepare both of the possible sensations above.

I’m not used to be familiar with love & all that jazz. I don’t sell romantic poems just to try to win someone’s heart, even though I might have the capability to do so. I don’t play games with complicated strategies just so my ‘target’ would have more & more interests in me. And I won’t try too hard to pretend living in heaven, while I in fact, am saturating hell. Drama is very exhausting and it’s not anywhere nearby my preference.

So I often made choices based on what I honestly think, or feel. I come plain, and open and then just leave the rest to whatever it is would possibly be, with of course tons of prayers that thing’s going to direction I wish it would.

A good friend once told me that no one should come plain to rule in the game of love. We should play hard to get. We should take control of the other, so that we won’t be the one who gets the bigger scars. I laughed at him. Funny to me, that a true feeling & honest trust like love should be interrupted by all that rules.

Then the thunder strikes.

~

So hard, I got shaken to the core.

So unpredictable, it left me feeling nothing but emptiness inside.

So real, I finally realize how naïve I have been in this game called love.

~

I don’t have any control in that thing I had with that person. I compromised things that I won’t usually do in normal basis. I accepted all ‘funny-coincidences’ and ‘strange-stories’ based on my full trust of the person and the relationship I thought I was having. I believed in us. The only thing that could wake me up from that play is never the audiences, but only the director. And it did.

Maybe that good friend of mine is true. None like any other people; I might take love too seriously. Love can just simply be an ordinary word, with an ordinary meaning that can be twisted & sold just like *finger snap* that. It can moves people telling you things they’ve been dreaming on of having without even preparing every aspect that might be there to either reduce the pace of going to that spot or ruined the whole plan.

Love can just be a casual thing that one can easily feel, and erase at ease. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe, if we can fall in love, we can also fall out of love too.

But not that easy! Come on!

Then again, I have to respect other’s opinion and decision. Even though if it’s as painful as shit. They have every right to do so. I have a bigger responsibility to live it, as in forgive and forget, forgive but never forget, or just swallow it and pretend nothing important has ever happened.

One thing for sure, I don’t think I will ever gonna cry even though I really want it to help me release the feeling from inside out. I just can’t. My pride won’t let me.

Shelter In the Rain

(Stevie Wonder)

~

When the lights are down
And the stage is bare
And no more magic’s in the air
There’s not a friend in sight to care
Your tears no one will share
I’ll be your comfort through your pain
I’ll be your shelter in the rain

~

When your sad is bad and your bad is worst
And there’s no who to turn to first
When you’ve done everything you can
No one’s there to take your hand
I’ll be you comfort through your pain
I’ll be your shelter in the rain

~

When you’ve looked around
And haven’t seen me anywhere
Though when you were down
I lifted you up from there
There isn’t a thing you can ask of me
I won’t do
Just you put your trust in me
My love will see you through

~

When the final candle’s flickered out
"Why me" is all you can think about
When all your joy has disappeared
Your future isn’t clear
I’ll be you comfort through your pain
I’ll be your shelter in the rain

~

When all the odds say there’s no chance
Amidst the final dance
I’ll be you comfort through your pain
I’ll be your shelter in the rain

The trouble with love is, it doesn’t care how fast you fall

And you can’t refuse the call, So you’ve got no say at all..

Falling in love is one thing, and being in a relationship is another.

Relationship to me, exist of 2 items. The love itself (towards someone who feels equally the same in return) and the ex-factors (means any other conditions & backgrounds that support the mutual feeling to worth the ride along the way). The importance of them both is about the same.

Love equals to the amount of your heart. Ex-factors are the one to make sure that you will still use the brain, no matter what.

Which should/ will be prioritized? Depends on each conditions and who each persons really are. The keyword is COMPROMISES.

People are different because we have different qualities & characters given by God in our blood, different treatments we got when we’re growing up, different set of time, place and backgrounds, different identification towards our own & others, different dreams & visions, and different experiences. Different everything. What is it that can make two people survive a love-chain that supposed to be forever? Compromises.

Relativity is a way for everybody to understand about compromise. That everything can be seen with different perspectives that can really lead us to different answers of a same problem, and think all of them as logical and making sense. I mean, if we can see GOD with different angles of religious frame, why can’t we do that to other more ‘compromise-able’ issues?

~

For example, we all know how harmony is very important to make a community live smoothly & peacefully. But who would ever deny that it is several ‘rebellious & abnormal’ people who became a public enemy since their 1st ‘come up’ day to the community that would one day shift the same community to a better place. Socrates, Darwin, Galileo, even Sidharta, Jesus & Mohammad are few examples of people whose life’s been filled with lots of hatred pointed out right on their faces by those who are actually got ‘saved’ by them in the future! Whether those people agree or not, they use different point of views to judge and ignore any compromises, thinking that it is only them who are right, not others.

~

What makes it so hard to compromise to others? I will say, maybe: ego & fear.

People would so badly wanna be ones who worship the ‘right’ God. Because to me, their biggest fear is to face hell once they chose the wrong God.

Inline with that, people would so badly wanna keep their self saved from pain from experiencing love. They keep on bringing up several rules to a relationship with hopes that it’d save them & things would work better that way. Rules that might come from pain that they felt from the past & objectively looks silly for it never really have a strong clear background to support its existence. Rules that’d finally make the relationship harder that it supposed to be because of the brain talks, but still became more important than the beautiful & heart burning feeling called love.

An indeed strong & un-compromise-able ex-factor to those who loves them, and they loved in return, to follow. They fear the ‘what if’ pains possible in front & their ego forced them to hold on tight to what they fear of, by maybe use thick make ups, giving fake answers & cover up the real answers of annoyingly ‘why’ questions on related issues.

And by that means, live in this eternal un-save images of their future with boundaries and ignore the whole concept that Love shall set you free, all the way.

As hard as I’ve tried to understand the whole concept, I just failed even without a real chance to proof my capability of compromising the uncompromised perspective. Why? Maybe because I was judged as simply not good enough to even try.

It’s a late post, I know. It’s already end of January, I noticed. But it’s better late than never, right? So let’s try to discuss about the future. Let’s discuss about 2006.

Am I writing about resolutions? Maybe. So? Why the hell not?

I understand that some people think of resolutions as bull shit. Some think that the best way of living life is just to live it naturally. See where the rivers flow. Go where the wind blows. It makes sense, but not in my past sense.

I used to think of it in a cynical way; that resolutions are one of those cultures that force people to be more positive by believe in the power of hopes and prayers. Hopes Just like Santa Clause, Christmas (note that it’s not really the date where Jesus was born.), and for sure: lots of fairy tales, are the things I once considered as drugs to make you fly, blind & forget the essence of hard working to get things done.

So what? If it makes life more alive and worth living, so what?

On my mind back then, resolutions will also force human beings to concentrate on more practical things in life other than more principal stuffs. I was a philosophical maniac; live with these holy grand principals which one of them was seeing that targets will exist as small check points of which we can push our selves so hard to reach. Where are the big check points? We wouldn’t dare put them on our resolution list.

But am I right? Maybe it would all depends on each person’s commitment & determination.

One more thing, people usually make resolutions as they don’t even really mean them. That’s irritating. Hard work people, don’t let go of your dreams (wants) that easy. Most people lost their resolutions, and just chill. But they keep on doing the same thing over & over again. What for? I don’t know. Go ask them.

The thing is.. I’m loosening things up now. In a way of being more patient, wiser, and ‘take things as the way it is & let go’. More religious & spiritual some might say? Whatever, you can also name it as you pleased but I somehow felt that it’s easier this way.

One thing I know, resolutions use the moment of year changing to ‘control’ our life better from years to come. We should be better & better. I agreed! So I’ll play along this time. We’ll see how it works.

So here are my resolutions for 2006:

1. Better amount of savings and investment. (Brighter future, amen!)

2. Better work achievements. (More money!! )

3. Better human beings (towards friends, best friends, family, and lover : maybe)

4. Better appearance (I have to start wearing braces & go to the gym regularly (again) this year)

5. Live happier (giving doctrine to my brain that BEING SINGLE IS NOT THAT BAD! I have my inner circle after all)

6. Start trying to get an overseas scholarship.

Lord, hear my plea! 

What a year!

Many things happened to me, and made the year just simply memorable. For the sake of better description and story telling, I’ll try to explain what was which in this below segmented features (alphabetically ordered).

Career

I love the fact that I now have a pretty good job. A job where I can study a lot about different things in work life I have never realized before. Things about professionalism, (real) deadlines, work planning, commitment, politics, improvements, and of course: rewards. 

My reward is nice, for I finished the one year probation with a result of ‘above average’. And I’m the youngest member in my division. I got a new contract as a fixed employee that of course came with increased incomes. This for sure, I will use to push my ability to the limit, and reach the stars right up above.

And how on earth can I doubt how much God blessed me this year, when right at my last day at the office before New Year holiday, the most anticipated Citibank Gold Card & Halo GSM card of mine finally arrived on my desk. Two items that I see as tickets to a ‘real’ world where I actually pay my bills with my own money.

Family

I’ve grown up. No doubt about that. I noticed that as well as my family and relatives do.

When I can finally managed to have the money to bought my own airplane tickets & the time to come back home, I fly home & landed with high anxiety about finally meet my parents & little brother again, after like one year. What an indescribable moment that was 

My mom cooked me unexplainably delicious foods (which responsible for the additional diameters of my current stomach!), my dad told stories about how his friends been asking whether I’m available for their daughter or not (Geez, I’m only 23! Married is definitely not exist anywhere on my agenda in near future sir!), my little brother talked about how hard he’s been trying to be on the top ten list in his class to make sure he get PlayStation2 I once promised him to get if he does. (And he did it!!!! Number 4 to be précised and I bought him his very own precious PlayStation2 for that). Me & my big bro for that matters, discussed about heavy stuffs adults usually have.

Right then & there, I realized how I am a man now, with real responsibility to take care of my family and try hard to make them happy.

Friendship

I started the year with some close friends, and end it with a small family.

The relationship we now have in our inner circle is keep on getting stringer & stronger, I cannot imagine my following years without them. We argued and made up. We passed hard times & good times. We get the maturity we now have along the way, and how I am blessed having them in my life. Thanks for everything guys! 

I ‘ve met several new friends also. It’s nice knowing y’all, and I hope we can get along very well in the future.

Relationship

I learn a lot about love..

I learned that love is identical with hopes and faiths.

I learned not to hurt others by playing with their hopes & faiths.

I learned that love is not logical nor it is something that we can make plan of finding, sharing and deleting. Other things related and affected love than the love it self. It’s kind of a faith if you don’t believe in faith. It’s kind of one of those faiths, when you do believe in faiths in the first place.

In 2005, I’ve met several people that I like. But I’m still single  Those people turned out to be not crossing my faith. Some because of the absence of those ‘particular butterflies’, some turned out to be BIG FAT LIARS, some because of differences in seeing the relationship it self, some have already had their mate but searching for more in me (WTF? Rot in hell you!), some because of the distance and some because of different principals and/or endings me and that person wished to have as an end.

All in all, love is still one of the biggest mysteries I noticed, besides GOD and life itself.

All in all, 2005 has passed with tons of awareness, thoughts, and conclusions for me. Yet, I still hope I can still have the chance to live following years ahead as a learning human being, who will always learn and not forget to share those learning to others. Those who can accept them of course.

Thank you 2005.

Welcome 2006!

Ok, so people talked about how this blog and all it’s content is too serious and exhausting to read. Some even asked me to have some fun.

WTF? I’m having fun. Really! I know that at most, I’m talking about heavy philosophical issues. Strangely, it really is fun for me.. Not easy, but it’s fun okay.

But I can understand them. It’s not like all I think about in my life always contain those complicated shit. Of course not.

So now, let’s talk about something that everyone’s been paying attention of, even though (hmm, or maybe because) it’s stupid. So stupid, it hurts.

Let’s talk about this gal. The annoying grand daughter of Hilton Hotels’ founder. The blonde doll itself, Paris Hilton.

I hate her. She’s nothing but God’s favorite b*tch.

Thank God she was born beautiful, with the usual sticky figure of models since 90’s must have, incredibly RICH, raging hormones, and various ugly moments in life that surprisingly turn out to be loveable for other people. Strange but true.

In short, she’s so lucky. Period. Anything else? Nope. Please, None.

Would those shit over one day in the future of her life? I hope so.. But I don’t know.

People said about life as a rolling wheel with ups and downs.. But hey, people also said that one should make efforts to be rich. Guess what? Those rules do not applicable to this…whatever.

But I would love to watch that moment. Moment when she finally realize that she should fill her brain with stuff. I actually saw her last night on E! True Hollywood Story when she fell from a horse because of being the usual bitch, and I was so happy.

Who’s gonna love you when it all falls down, and

Who’s gonna love you when your bankroll runs out?

Who’s gonna care when the novelty’s over?

When the star of the show isn’t you anymore..

Nobody cares when the tears of a clown fall down…

(Mariah Carey – Clown : Charmbracelet)

Been a while since my last writing.. None that I didn’t find anything interesting to write about, but I think I’m just too tired and lazy to capture them in an essay, just before now..

One of the most important thing stroked my head recently is the fact that right now, I might be aware that there is maybe, no such thing called soulmate. As Miss Bradshaw once asked: “Soulmate, Reality or torture device?”, Now I came to the same level of critical point that it is maybe, indeed, just a torture f*ckin’ device.

Let’s see. Human live singularly. There’s the mom, dad, bros, sis, friends, best friends, relatives, lovers, husbands, wives, yadda, yadda, yadda, but whoever count them as an always be there kind of thing in our life? You always stand alone for some moments or maybe even every moment. You will die alone. You get sick, fall, betrayed, left, laugh, all by yourself, with or without anyone standing on your side. You might find a company, but they will never turn out to be the same persons in different conditions and timeline. Life moves, people changed, time flies.

Exactly, the idea of having temporary companies are much more making sense than everlasting ones. Wouldn’t it be un-wise if we keep being addicted to other’s presence to feel complete? Isn’t it us who need to complete ourselves instead of keep asking for “where are those people to whom we would feel complete being with” to God, over and over again?

If we look backward, who is responsible for gave us this idea of a perfect mate to spend everything every time everywhere ever after? Every religion with its concept of holy marriage? Fairytales with promises of forever happiness life style? Or Our parents who might have tried so hard to show us how a perfect family should exist? What if one ‘perfect’ person ‘til the end is not enough? Is it possible for a person to have several ‘soulmate’s? Or even none at all?

The funny thing is, I have once thought of soulmate is like other things that not every people have the luck of having. Like, does every one have beautiful face as Miss Universes? Or the ability of performing phenomenal acts just like Tom Hanks? Beautiful voice that Whitney used to have? Or in a negative way, not every people have the very annoyingly weird and ugly limp voice of Britney (and Justin for that matter). Praise the Lord.

Then, maybe not every one has the luxury of having a soulmate.

Whatever, I don’t even really care that much anymore.

Is there someone for me, God?

You don’t have to shake or nod

Just turn my head right to one’s spot, for i will always stare and stop not.

Is there one for me, God?

The one who can make me stop breathing by just asking

Who could finally make this dying heart beat to be advised

Just to heat one cell in a deep soul of mine that is now, a freezing ice

“When you wish upon a star,

there’s no different who you are

Everything your heart desire will be come true..”

[OST Pinocchio, Disney, an old song]

People have needs and wants. Very hard to figure each definition and differences without finished any kind of deep contemplations before. Basically, our basic passion of all is to simply have it all, no exceptions.

Can we have it all? No, we don’t.

Please, should I even ask that?

The real question is: Will we ever be satisfied about everything coming true in our life?

No, we don’t. If we simply follow our passion, we just can’t do that.

I think that’s why all GOD told their creature to get enough of what they’re having at the present. To circumcise our passion of having by doing all those praying, meditating, worshiping, and off course, believing-thing.

We all have our own frame work of a realistic living condition we will once have.

What we want, why we want them, how is the plan on getting them. Expectation is crucial in pushing ourselves doing all the efforts.

What if we have done them all, and still don’t get what we want to get? Still we manage the same expectations? Revise them? Or erase them?

I believe it would all depends on each character. Some people get what they want easier than others. These people then have a better start in their earlier race of ‘making all the dreams come true’ game. But we must not forget that the whole race itself that will count in the end of the day. Not just the start.

For simple explanation, any kind of race sports on TV will do. A winner who can make the victory by losing it first will be a greater hero. Crowds will love them more than ones who won the first since the first. For sure, they will both then be recorded with the same level: as a winner who have won the same title. But the late winner has something more than the others.

Wrapping it up, I will say that expectation is a very important trigger. It depends on us how to react to them. One thing for sure, pushing all we got to the limit each time we want to win something is just the best answer of all. Painful effort just suits great expectations better. So I speak.

Again and again my mind trap me good

For there’s a chance of us to feel that mood

Of love, caring and share everything to each

Of ecstasy mode covering possibility of ditch

How beautiful you are towards my eyes

And how sadly my ears filled with your lies

How warm your heart can be when loving

And how un-real you are to me in living

You are the etcetera filling my list

And though I only see you among the mist

This head keeps featuring you inside my scene

Again and again, beneath the darkness within

Heaven it is the answer of our image of two

Hell indeed my feeling may be upon form of you

And inside this tiny shield I still wore

I will wake and protect it from your sore

You are gone on my future bliss

Drown away into the silent abyss

Fever is a cause of your pause

Subsist every rose to my vows

That special you is an ordinary somebody

And my common plea is a non-mere in place of every

Itch my stomach is towards your speech

Fill colorful butterflies in my cell of each

Inside my own very blank stomach

In the whole vein to cause me headache

May you be true in someplace distantly apart of me

May you not be exist in the path that shall lead me

That’s a thing only GOD can manage to fit

And hanging on to this dream is my way of dealing it

Some define love very easy. Some declare them frequently. Some lost it casually.

For me, that’s very intimidating!

Love is the most exquisite issue of all.

Though it has so many different definition from different people, most of them always connected it as a ‘grand holy feeling towards a person or thing’..

So, how come you can feel such enormous feeling come and go so easily?

True, it is how you define one that’ll make the issue matters.

And now, we come to a grand state of mind of my definition of love.

Just last night, I came over to JAMZ to see a friend sing. Turns out that, the whole moment is very inspiring on understanding love. All people on stage LOVES music. They’re enjoying those things their doing so good; they smiled, laughed, danced and whatever ‘happy’ things in between.

What is the difference between loving human and musical instruments?

What will happen if those instruments have the will to SAY NO to anyone who wanna play them?

We always assume that those instruments love everyone who wanna play them, so when a player came along they will always be MAKING LOVE until forever.

When it comes to human beings, is it better to find one who loves us for good, and then try to love them in return as hard as we can? I mean, instead of looking around for one to whom we can feel like to, care of and finally in love with?

I mean, those musician choose to love those instruments, right? One chose to love guitar, while the other prefer piano better. Done choosing, they finally give their best doing all those painfully efforts to be able to make love to them.

They are loving a thing who loves them in return or at least, let it self be loved in a way or another.

What about those people who’s gambling their life to find ‘the one’? As in ‘the one’ who is destined to be the love of their life, or soul mate, what so ever.

Should we wait? Or we shall make it happen?

Logically, for me, it is not only the person who defines their position in other’s heart. There are also everything else involved. Perfect timing, mood, background, and situation are other factors that can make a dream of soul mate exist.

Let’s put it like this. Will Romeo loves Juliet all that much if their parents did not hate each other? If we erased all those miserable things Ro and Ju had been thru passing, and put both of them in a very comfort zone and time of two to love each other, will there ever be Romeo and Juliet classic? Yeah right, who would dare to guarantee that if they were married to each other, Romeo would not cheat on Juliet, or anyway vise-versa?

So, overall.. I think the possibility to feel love is 50:50, between struggling to make it and wait for it somewhere safe and sound. Make it is a better answer for those who don’t wanna waste the time of their life waiting for something that may not be exist. Wait for it is simply for people who is willing to take higher risk.

Common is making it. I’m not, and still trusting and believing it.

You?

If only I can swell my clear vision on you,

I will soon find my interest definition of true

But then I chose and wish the story stays this naïve

For I can’t help but strive my frown intuitive

For previous fake expects died after moments so brief

I will let this feeling grow over you and him, and whatever sticking between both of you

Because I really need to keep the dream, before totally lost and drown in blue

And if to must I destroy every you in all my gust of fantasy

Then by this very moment of true, destroyed it is in a face of happy

People live inside a big pool of values all over their minutes of life. Most of it came from current standards about what’s good or bad, which already exist and always develop itself thru the time, based on the previous generation’s experience on life.

The bad news is: There’s no bargaining spectrum beneath. I mean, world is not all about black and white. There’s this large amount of grey area that everyone must be aware of the existence. People aim to guess and point out other’s status about everything based on their ‘investigation’ using ‘normal values’ and the answer of that quiz is better be negative/black, or else it would never be that much fun doing.

Sometimes we forget that we know nothing about almost everything. We’re just guessing, and next thing we know, there’s someone out there we’re killing.

Do we need to judge? That leads to the most important question: Do we have the ability to do the judgment? How does a person being considered right or wrong? To me as long as a person don’t do something mean or bad to others in purpose, let’s just leave them alone. Life is complicated (not hard! I don’t really like it when people tried to convince that life is hard. Sounds quite un-grateful and pessimistic). We all have our own life, that sometimes crossing each other and all.

I always see life in a complete frame. Everything in the past will always have a part on making the present and creating the future. That what makes one’s life would never be same with others. Then why should we use that standard our ancestor created to judge? Present time is definitely much more complicated than our ancestor’s past time, so: drop the old standard, we must.

How can we tell a 26 years old manager’s triumph who has started his ‘drop-dead struggling profession’ since he began college and just bought a second hand car made in 90’s with his own money, is not as good as the other 26 years old who has entered his dad’s company straight as a manager, with off course a luxurious ultra expensive car his dad bought him as a gift for the ‘excellent’ achievement of finishing college at 25?

We can’t! If we just look at the outer layer, we just can’t! A second hand 90’s car success compare to the brand new expensive? Who will ever say that the 90’s car man is a better manager?

We must see each case through each layer. And it takes time, wisdom, open mind, bravery, and off course: a non-judgmental mind frame. We must do this for a better life.

Let’s learn.

Please..

If you want to stay in touch with GOD, you have to choose one specific religion first for inside of each, lies things called regulation, requirement, and specific rules that one shall cross before facing one’s GOD.

What is religion is all about? How must there be so many religion when all we ever agreed on is just one GOD? I don’t care which name that THING has given by every spiritual community, but for GOD sake, it’s all about the same THING.

One THING that has created all of this everything called universe, making plans and will be having any kind of contact with IT’s creation: one day.

Likely, there’s a very big chance that human is getting involved of the existence of numbers of these religions. With different history, concept and way of believing, there you go, a variety of choices about which way you will choose to ‘say hi to GOD’. Each of them explicitly and implicitly declare that they are -the very right religion- that GOD has been approved to be  IT’s ‘face’ to be recognized by us. They even killed each other for that, for  cryin’ out loud.

And obviously, off course, each religion offer the same propaganda for us to believe them = It’s all about trust, and we must see that beyond our mind. It lies closer to our heart, and we can absolutely feel the rightness, if only…………………..we can feel it.

Exactly! What feelings should we be feeling when we don’t have any clue about how does ‘the right one’ feels??? Why should we count on something that un-count ably decide-able? Pfiuhh, not to mention about how Freud will speak his mind on this opinion by bringing all those theory about how a person’s backgrounds and histories ever since they were born has affected them to think (and on this issue: choose) anything when they’ve grown up.

What if some people person is feeling so in love with his/her GOD, but they don’t agree if the ‘intense relationship’ must be blocked/interfere/or even ruined by those ‘so called religion’ and all its ‘humanist’ issues beneath?

Can’t they all see that GOD IS ALL THAT!

Any slight imagination of GOD to think, act, exist or object as human to produce such ‘humanist’ religion is simply reducing my faith and salutation to GOD itself, and I hate it.

Can you feel me?

One day one of my professor back then in college asked me and my friends "who is the real creator? GOD on men, or men on GOD?" Which one exists because of the other one’s will and effort to create the existence?

Very Nietzsche, you might say? But it is an important question. Very important.

To me the answer is simple. As a person who had done studying about making designs and plans, one thing for sure, there’s no way that a universe this big, complex and very complicated, yet well-organized is none to designed and planned. No way. Been designing and planning things that a billion times less complicated that this whole universe and that has been a complete nightmare of un-perfect masterpieces [according to my standards that is. None of my work is perfect [yet], that includes all of these exhausting writings].

I’m definitely not the only one who’s creating un-perfect things. But I will not surrender, because I believe in this sentence once one of my great tutors told me: “Humans are perfect. GOD is the most al-perfect. Then shame on those who think they’re not.”

So.. I believe that we can be perfect one day, at some specific context and condition, if we try and do our best to be perfect. But to be perfect in all context and conditions? Well, that’s what GOD is all about.

GOD is all about perfection. Everything about IT is sooo great, that we, human, who only think as hard as we can with our brain (which by the way, another GOD’s creation), will never be able to figure the whole sadistic case is.

How can one’s creation can work beyond what it’s creator creates it as, for and to? Me, for example, would never be able to make a colorful writings if all I have in my hand is only a pencil. No matter how hard I try, it ain’t ever gonna be colors upon my paper. So..

What I’m saying now is that, TRUE that I might not get every answer I want to get, for no men have any idea about how big the whole question mark is. But has anyone figure out where does the line of our capabilities exist? I mean, we can even ‘create’ a human being now with cloning.

As a wrap up sentence, I can always say that we can always do our best and explore our potential by trying to be perfect across every boundaries and dogmas, as long as we have a good intention in it. Doesn’t intention is what really counts in the end?

I think so..

I hope so..

When current human common sense about hell strikes my nerve, one thing for sure.. I was so scared of it. The concept of being sadistically torched by all possible devils [or ‘bad’ angels who supposed to have that task at their ‘SOP’ from GOD] is so frightening, it makes my childhood a ‘thou shall pray and all’ warning area and all I can do is to ‘yes, sir’ and ‘yes, mam’ it to all ‘advisors’ I had back then.

One point of being grown ups is that we can think better, and expect more from anything. For me, that includes all indoctrinated concept I have had and now full-stuffing my head like hell, such as hell. Now, why does one should go to hell? Because they’re bad when they’re alive, so when they finally dead, they have to pay it off. Bad as they didn’t do whatever GOD ask them to do, and did whatever GOD forbid them to.

At some points, we would not be living in hell forever. Some will survive it to the heaven, maybe because by that time, they would already be sorry enough for whatever they did, and have come to a state of mind that [because of the torching stuff] they wouldn’t do the same ever again. To pass hell as a test like that will make them be as ‘holy’ enough to be a GOD themselves. [as I thought of on my WHAT IS HEAVEN previous article]

Hell is a washing process. A delayed moment for all to feel sorry and promise not to do the sin ever again, as they were all too late to do so before they died. Another chance for everyone to become a GOD. What’s going on? What will happen in this universe that made GOD feels the urge of producing as many GODs as possible? Not to mention if we count all zillion planets exist inside millions of galaxy in this whole universe? Will it make everyone’s [or everything] happy? Is it a gift to be a GOD? Is it fun?

The slightest childish part of my brain couldn’t help but think that there might be a great war in the future, so great with whatever, it makes the universe need as many as GOD as possible. But nah, that’s too comical.

Or…….. Would this whole thing also be a test for our GOD to go to IT’s next chapter? It might be quite a challenge to control humans now. Can you imagine how challenging it would be to ever controlling GODs in the future?

WOW..

[aww, my head hurts..]

We were all born when this world already has several religions [and GOD of each, for that matter]. I believe that every religion teaches us all how to become a better person who will definitely get something in return on it’s own time and at it’s own place.

Yes, a heaven indeed.

The place where everything that you want will always be fulfilled: -poof-, just like that. A perfect place that we all want to get into. A perfect spot to point out our all time arrow of life. An ultimate destination. When God finally made IT’s promise, what will happen there and then?

Not to get all we want in life has always been the biggest clue for me to identify the joy of life. People need to make some efforts to do something that they want to do. It’s called passion, obsession. And GOD knows that it felt better when you want something so bad, did all the efforts and finally grab the results, than just sitting there in coziness and get the exact same thing. It’s the value of each condition that will be counted at the end. When it comes to a glass of water, a person who has walked a thousand miles will see it as a much bigger valuable property than others who have swam inside a pool all day. So when basically all the doings have been done doing, where the hell [or heaven?] is our next destination?

To me, the concept of heaven itself rang a very big bell about the GOD way of live. Hello?? Getting everything you want? Don’t you think that when we all finally get inside the heaven, we would all become a GOD ourselves? To have the full capacity to control everything. To do whatever we want to do in our own kind of world. And if anyone has ever think about the possibility of our self being tyrants, why the hell not? I mean, look up! Are you seeing the way GOD works? Getting my point?

Then what if a bad person runs his own world by becoming a full time GOD himself? Wouldn’t it be agreat scale of disaster everywhere inside of it? On this possibility, if we use general rules in some religions, maybe that’s why our GOD creates this world we’re living in at this present time. To become a school od future GOD(s). To get new GOD(s) with certain capacity to rule a new world of their own, wisely and perfectly enough. To finally get the results of whoever is great enough to be GOD(s) and whoever doesn’t.

Maybe.. maybe. So what’s it gonna be?

Each and every specific issues are here, developing one self and another and gives their slighest and broadest effect to whatever thinks and dare to ask. Zillion of identified and un-identified elements of the universe are linked with each other inside the invisible and complicated web and blend so perfectly well.

Can we figure it all out?

Will we be great enough just to be aware of each of the above factors? None will answer that, for all of us simply have no clue of what has been and will be happening later in life. One thing for sure we all know we can do.. is to ask.

Not just to try getting answers. But the most important thing is to explore our mind, and try to think and use it to our limits.

To exploit our brain, as it is the major investment that God has been giving us to develop our self and reach this level of achievement.

To do our best to become the kind of creatures to whom God will be satisfied of.

To be not to be the living creatures that God will not be proud of.

So.. Thou shall ask!